Saturday the 22nd of February 2014 will go down in History. Not because Take Me Out has finally left our Television screens. Not because a record number of people didn't give a fuck about the Winter Olympics. Not even because it was the day before my Mum's Birthday. No no, this day will be remembered forever as the date the 'Fight Of The Century' took place.
Andy Townsend and Michael Owen have been at each others throats since around 2012 when Townsend, whilst commentating on Owen during his time at Stoke, mentioned that he 'Should be doing better there'. Owen responded during his debut as 'expert analyst' on BT sport, stating that Townsend is 'Half a dozen of one and 6 of the other'. Frank Warren decided enough was enough and scheduled a Superfight in the Copperbox Arena at the Olympic Park, for 3 Rounds of turn based Cliche spouting, and boy did he make the right decision.
The arena started filling from around 8 o clock, just as the undercard started picking up. There was hardly any interest in the opening bout of the night, 3 rounds of borderline racist remarks between David Pleat and Ron Atkinson. Pleat won the first round with 'Eto'o raced after that ball like it was an injured Gazelle '. But he couldn't stave off a huge flurry from Atkinson in the 2nd, he opened with 'They may as well be playing in Flip-Flop's' before a Thunderous knockout toward the end of the round floored Pleat. Atkinson had clearly been training well as the sincerity and anger in his voice as he exclaimed 'Shaka Hislop really needs to work on his catching, either that or lay off the puff' - was plain to see. A routine victory in a weight class he has dominated for 20 years.
Andy Gray and Richard Keys grabbed the Crowd's attention with a great rematch. 3 Rounds of sexism towards young, attractive female broadcasters. Gray came out all guns blazing in the first, pointing at a young Blonde from the BBC and unleashing a deadly combo, 'I would let you adjust my autoprompter all day long you little darling, come over here and let Uncle Andy show you what REAL broadcasting is all about (because I'm BROAD). Keys fought back with menace, he singled out a young lady from Sky Sports News and went with 'I would hang out the back of you so hard you would forget everything you learnt in your Media Studies course at Plymouth University'. The fight ended in a draw with 3 career paths changed to 3.
The penultimate fight of the evening was 3 rounds of Heavyweight Hyperbole between Jamie Redknapp and Clive Tyldsley. Redknapp tried to suffocate Tyldsley early on with jab after jab, but Tyldsley won the round with a late counter, shouting that 'THIS 5TH ROUND REPLAY BETWEEN ROCHDALE AND STOKE MEANS EVERYTHING IN THE WORLD TO EVERYONE IN THE WORLD'
Redknapp went into his corner visibly shaken, either that or he was doing a very moving impression of his father.
Whatever was said before the second round clearly worked, as Redknapp rallied to win by Knockout straight after the break. Redknapp threw Tyldsley off his guard with a couple of small compliments before unleashing his finishing move, the 'TOP TOP'. Redknapp was frothing at the mouth as he screamed that 'TYLDSLEY WAS A TOP TOP COMMENTATOR, WORKING FOR A TOP TOP COMPANY, COMMENTATING ON SOME TOP TOP MATCHES'
Tyldsley couldn't cope with this vomit inducing brand of 'matey' punditry and crumpled to the floor in a heap. Graeme Souness was spotted scowling in the front row, apparently next in line for a shot at Redknapp's strap.
And so to the main event, which I'm told was watched in over 3 countries. A video was played on the big screens from the weigh in the night before where it all got a bit heated as the fighters squared up. The Stewards looked to have separated them, only for Townsend to catch Owen whilst his back was turned with a 'Game of two halves'. Owen tried to hit back but Townsend fled before he could react, a real cheap shot.
That cheap shot had clearly irked Owen, who was absolutely furious as the fight started, he came storming out of his corner with 'SCHOOLBOY ERROR' and his signature move 'HE REALLY SHOULD HAVE SCORED THERE'. Townsend went down, the crowd roared, surely not a first round knockout? 1,2,3,4 Townsend was still down. John Motson was hopelessly shouting Cliche's at him, trying to snap him out of it. 'WHERE'S THE TALKING ANDY' 'GIANT KILLING'. Townsend stirred, the count was up to 8, TOWNSEND WAS UP, just in time for the bell. Great round from Owen, and Townsend was in real trouble (real trouble, not fake trouble)
The second round started with Townsend on the defensive, clearly still shaken from that ferocious knockdown in the first. Owen was on the attack again as he screeched 'I'VE SEEN THOSE GIVEN'. Townsend was wobbled again, only the ropes were holding him up now, Owen's going for the knockout, here it comes, Owen yelps 'AT THE END OF THE DAY', Townsend is down again, surely its all over now, no one can survive shots like that. But whats this? Townsend is scrambling to his feet, how is he doing this?. He's up, and not only that but he's coming forward, he throws a great combination 'I TELL YOU WHAT THEY ARE AT SIXES AND SEVENS AT THE BACK BUT THEY ARE DEFINITELY TOO GOOD TO GO DOWN, THERE ARE 4 OR 5 WORSE TEAMS IN THE LEAGUE. Owen wobbled. Townsend comes back with another combo, 'ITS THE HOPE THAT KILLS YOU BECAUSE THEY ARE IN A GROUP OF DEATH BUT ITS STILL A GREAT ADVERT FOR THE GAME. This is unbelieveable, Owen is on the ropes, one more big shot and its over. Townsend pauses, he knows he's one cliche away from ultimate glory, he sucks in some air, pulls back his head and screams, 'HE'S ALMOST HIT THAT TOO WELL'..............................OWEN IS DOWN, THE REF HAS STOPPED IT, TOWNSEND HAS SHOCKED THE WORLD. A sensational fight, and one that will surely warrant a rematch. Frank Warren is said to be in talks with Sky Box Office regarding a Triple Threat match between Townsend, Owen and Steve Claridge, but at the moment 'Its too early to say' (cliche).
