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| Sunderland 0 - 2 Leicester City: Vardy puts his first of two past Lurch |
Today was a tricky one - here at GITG we want Sunderland to finally be relegated as much as we want Leicester to fuck this up.
It doesn’t help that the Guardian now publishes 70 articles a minute predicting Leicester will win the league. You’re hard. No, Leicester aren’t “my new second team,” Guardian. Far from it. Because if you actually watch them play you’ll realise they play like a Sunday league team (who’ve spent £55m on players since joining the Premier League in 2014.)
And yet every time Danny Drinkwater closes his eyes and hits the ball as hard as he can, teams - even after 33 three games played - appear powerless to stop Leicester’s two only good players from putting it in the net. As Sunderland duly demonstrated this afternoon when Younes Kaboul, while doing his best impression of Lawrence Fishburne trying to play football, forgot to move and Vardy ruthlessly slotted a Drinkwater signature Hail Mary past Vito “please, God, not another 2nd rate ex-Arsenal goalkeeper” Mannone.
Sunderland, arguably the most pointless team in the world, let their pointless heads drop after that. Two notable examples of this being when right back Van Aanholt pretty much just stopped playing, and when Fabio Borini decided to end it all by smashing one of Sunderland’s best chances into his own face.
The other fell to Jack Rodwell late on who instead of scoring an underserved but pleasing equaliser did what any self respecting 25 year old footballer-in-decline would do and that’s miss an open goal to the disappointment of everyone dear to him.
Almost inevitably Leicester went on to extend their lead shortly after. Vardy sped past Van Aanholt who was now standing on the halfway line staring at a dandelion, and rounded the on rushing Mannone before tapping the ball into an empty net.
Vardy celebrated his second goal by shh’ing the Sunderland fans ..why? They’ve suffered enough. What’s more the stand was practically empty, so Vardy was shh’ing an empty stand - empty stands by their very nature are silent. So he was telling the absence of sound to be quiet. Good one mate.
This sore winner attitude isn’t exclusive to Leicester’s rat faced assassin. As my Tottenham supporting GITG co-writer pointed out:
Well, he’d know.
So where does this leave our teams? Sunderland should have been automatically relegated after today’s performance, but until this becomes an option we’re just going to have to endure their annual last hurrah for safety just so they can repeat the whole pathetic charade next season and the season after that.
An internet Sunderland fan once angrily tried to justify their Premier League status to me by saying that 50,000 people turn up to watch them every week. I must remember to use that argument next time I’m defending public lapidation.
As for media darlings Leicester their routine win today puts them 10 points ahead in the title race, which is slightly disappointing as it renders Tottenham’s subsequent mouthwatering tie with Manchester United all but redundant. Tottenham should steamroll this one, but their visitors are wankers and have a history of “winning in the manner of champions” (which is media bias for “deserved to lose but somehow nicked it.”)
Anyway, this victory for Ranieri’s men comes on the back of four one-nil wins, a run reminiscent of Mourinho’s title winning Chelsea, relentlessly grinding out results like a mechanical East German lap dancer.
Before the Guardian publish any more gushing articles about how they discovered Leicester City - too late - anyway, before they post another - oh, too late - anyway before Leicester actually win the league, let’s remember, out of the title challengers, these route one playing time wasting cunts have one of the toughest home straights: West Ham (H), Swansea (H), Manchester United (A), Everton (H), Chelsea (A). Grabbing those three wins to clinch the title might not be as guaranteed as it so blatantly is. Anyway, if they fuck this up it will be the funniest thing ever to happen in football ever. And if it does all go tits up instead of pizza, maybe Ranieri should serve them all slice of humble pie.
Now fuck off.
GITG
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