Sunderland manager, David Moyes, has mirrored US
President Donald Trump in planning the erection of an enormous wall, and is
refusing to stump up the cash to pay for it.
Whilst Donald Trump’s motivation is racism, Moyes’ is
somewhat different. He has been spotted giving blueprints to a North East
builder, in which a red brick wall is built around the entirety of both Stadium
of Light goalmouths. Moyes had this to say;
‘Obviously Donald has his own agenda, not one I
particularly agree with, but the technical side of his proposed policy is
something that has really impressed me’.
‘He wants to keep Mexicans out; I want to keep goals
out.’
When quizzed about the funding of the wall, Moyes
replied aggressively;
‘I think I’m well within my rights to make Manchester
United stump up the £700 this would cost. I was well respected until they
sacked me, now I have to watch Jordan Pickford half break his back every week
picking balls out of our net’.
The press conference then spiralled into somewhat of a
farce, with our GITG correspondent spotting a flaw in Moyes’ plan.
‘You do realise David, if you build a wall in both
goalmouths, you may not concede any more goals, but you also won’t score any.
And if I’m being brutally honest I can’t see you staying up if you draw every
home game left in your season 0-0’.
At this moment Moyes angrily flipped the table, exposing
his outfit. He was wearing a crop top, stockings, suspenders and a pair of
Umbro Bombers’
‘WHAT ELSE CAN I DO?’ screeched Moyes. ‘I’VE GONE HALF
MAD HERE, WATCHING DJILOBODJI TRY TO MARK A CENTRE FORWARD IS LIKE TRYING TO
PLAY DARTS WITH NO HANDS. IM JUST BEING REALISTIC AND 8 POINTS IS BETTER THAN
FUCK ALL’
‘IF YOU THINK COUNTING TO POTATO IS EASY THEN YOU GO
AHEAD AND FUCKING OPEN THE FRIDGE SON’ screamed Moyes as he jumped onto a
tandem bike by himself and sped off.
Moyes plan came to fruition with a 0-0 stalemate
against Tottenham last night, moving the Black Cats up to 16 points. He was
spotted on the touchline with a 9 iron, chipping golf balls towards one of the
corner flags whilst Defoe rattled a last minute penalty, which would have won
the game for Sunderland, straight into the wall in front of the north stand. At
half time some local youths graffiti’d SECTION MOYES on both walls, echoing the
thoughts of everyone in attendance.
GITG
