GITG | 10 GREATEST GOALS OF ALL TIME

There will always be huge debates over what is construed as ‘the greatest goal ever scored’. The glory of football is that everyone has an opinion, and no choice can be labelled as ‘right’ or ‘wrong’. However the following list is completely and utterly right and if you disagree with any of it you’re an absolute thundercunt.

These are the official GITG top 10 goals of all time……

10  David Beckham, Man Utd v Wimbledon – 1996 – English Premier League

David ‘Dave’ Beckham’s technical ability cannot be questioned. His intelligence, hair and choice of wife is a different matter, but all in all he seems a sincere and generally lovely fellow. Also, I would tap that, I would tap that till it fell off, those smouldering eyes and cheeky little grin makes me go all weak at the knees and I don’t mind admitting it.

Anyway Dave comes in first on our list with his audacious lob against brutal South London cage fighters Wimbledon, before they moved to a car park in Milton Keynes to arrange illegal cock fights and take cocaine. Beckham managed to evade Vinnie Jones’ nunchuks for long enough to see Neil Sullivan being Scottish in Wimbledon’s goal. He was seen shouting ‘Y’ALRIGHT BIG MAN’ at a person over 5’10 in the front row (a customary Scottish tradition). Beckham noticed this happening and decided to strike the ball from the half way line. Sullivan was heard shouting ‘AYE ME BALLACKS, SOMEONE GET ME A WEE POKEY HAT, I’LL NEED CHEERING UP AFTER THIS SHITE’ as the ball whistled over his head and nestled into his goal. With one swing of his right foot, an icon was born.

9  Dennis Bergkamp, Arsenal v Newcastle – 2002 – English Premier League

I would try to explain this goal, but there’s nothing I can really say, just watch it. The feather footed Dutchman laying off the puff for long enough to leave Nikos Dabizas feeling like he’d just been asked to try and spell his own name.

8   Diego Maradona – Argentina V England – 1986 – World Cup 

Look he’s a git, and a coke head, and he isn’t a particularly nice person, and he’s a cheat, and he looks like a shit drunk Father Christmas, but he scored one of the greatest goals ever, so we can’t really leave him out.

Again, not much I can say here, you’ve all seen it a million times, but here it is again in case you aren’t bored of the little fat prick. We've left his handball in as well, just so you know how much of a cunt he really is.

7   Paul Gascoigne - England V Scotland – Euro 96 

Now this was a goal. England were 1-0 up but had just conceded a penalty in what was an incredibly tight game against local freedom loving gingers Scotland. Having drawn their opening match with Switzerland, England really needed 3 points here. David Seaman managed to save Gary Mcallister’s penalty with his personality (elbow) and give England another chance to drive the Scot’s back up into the uninhabitable part of our isles that no one gives two fucks about. The ball came down the line for Paul Gascoigne who was on the edge of the Scottish box, he faked to shoot with his left foot, flicking the ball over the onrushing Colin Hendry (who slipped over a deep fried Mars bar) before volleying the ball with his right foot into the bottom corner. One of the greatest goals Wembley has ever seen and even better that it made every Scottish person on earth shout even more indecipherable guff at their TV’s than usual. 

6   Pele – Brazil V Sweden – 1958 – World Cup 

The 17 year old Pele announced himself to the world with a devastating performance on Football’s highest stage. His goal to make it 3-1 in the World Cup final of 1958 even more impressive when you realise that one of the Swedish defenders tries to take his bollocks off just before he buries it. Pele flicking the ball over said defenders head, before taking ten studs to the crotch area. The fact that he remained composed enough to dispatch the chance says one of two things. He’s either got the hardest penis of all time (he does take a lot of Viagra) or he’s the best player of all time. Probably both.

5   Ryan Giggs - Manchester Utd V Arsenal - 1999 - FA Cup

This is the greatest goal the FA Cup has ever seen. The score was locked at 1-1 going into extra time of this semi final contested between the two best sides in England at the time. David Beckham had opened the scoring with a fantastic long range curler, before Bergkamp equalised with one of his own. Arsenal then won a penalty right at the end of normal time, after a rash challenge by serial brain farter Phil Neville. Bergkamp had his spot kicked saved and the rest as they say is history. Not only was this goal majestic, but it set up the Treble for United that season, so must surely be classed as one of the most important in their already illustrious history. 

Ryan Giggs had shaken off his pro evolution soccer name of Bryan Greggs to come off the bench for United, who had Roy Keane sent off for stabbing a baby. United soaked up a huge amount of Arsenal pressure before an uncharacteristic mistake from Vieira landed at Giggs' feet inside his own half. Giggs ran directly at the heart of the Arsenal defence, whirling and twisting like a Python on speed. He went past 4 Arsenal players before lashing home into the roof of the net from the tightest of angles. What made this goal even more special was that Giggs removed his shirt in pure celebratory ecstasy, revealing that he actually had a chest full of pubic hair, wonderful. 

4   Hernan Crespo - AC Milan v Liverpool - 2005 - Champions League

This is personally my favourite goal of all time. I know AC Milan ended up losing the game, and it will raise a few eyebrows that this is included (it will raise our one readers eyebrows), i just think its the most beautiful goal ever scored. A wonderful turn from Kaka inside his own half before bending a quite literally inch perfect ball around the despairing Jamie Carragher, and into the path of Hernan Crespo, who dinks the ball over Dudek's head and into the empty net. The finish was so perfect that it actually dislodged 200 hairs on Dudek's head as it tantalisingly skimmed over him. I could watch this goal all day long.

3  Marco Van Basten - Netherlands V USSR - Euro 88

Perennial stoners and prostitution loving jokers of Europe, The Netherlands, must have been wondering when they would win a trophy. Having come so close previously with players of the calibre of Johan Cruyff, they had every right to think that their time had passed. But in 1988, out of the shadows, came a side that would finally end their hoodoo. Ruud Gullit, with his long floppy dreadlocks, long skinny legs and long long penis, was the catalyst for the Dutch in their Euro 88 campaign, driving forward from midfield to both create and score. But the final against USSR will only ever be remembered for one thing. With Van Basten lurking in the box, a cross from the left was dreadfully overhit. Anyone else would have let the ball run out and then called their team mate a twat, but Van Basten remained interested. He followed the flight of the ball and unleashed a volley from a quite obnoxious angle, straight into the top corner. One of those goals that has to be seen to be believed, as did Gullit's penis.

2  Zinedine Zidane - Real Madrid V Bayer Leverkusen - 2002 - Champions League

Zinedine Zidane is an idol of ours here at GITG. As balding men, its incredibly uplifting to see a man with similar hairline issues being so successful. We also like Stone Cold Steve Austin, Donald Trump, Homer Simpson and Vladimir Putin.

I'll set the scene, Roberto Carlos is thundering down the left flank, the ball is bouncing, he hooks it hopefully into the box. The ball is dropping from a tremendous height. Zidane watches it all the way, like a hawk, and swings his weaker left foot at it in a delightful arc, almost as if he's trying to paint a rainbow with his toe. It flies into the top corner. One of the greatest players of all time scoring one of the greatest goals of all time, beaten only by one......

1 Brian McClair - Manchester United V Sheffield Wednesday

Sometimes in football, the stars will align and create something so special, so breathtakingly wonderful, that you'll actually shed a tear. Every time I see this goal I weep. Its such an inconceivably beautiful goal. The ball is played into Giggs in the box, who turns incisively and plays it into the path of the onrushing Bryan Robson. Robson jinks onto his left foot and delicately chips the keeper......in fact, just watch it, its indescribable by its nature. Brian McClair, the world of Football will forever be in your debt.

GITG