GITG | THE STRIFE AND TIMES OF A. CUMULATOR #2

                     

In this new weekly feature our resident gambling addict keeps us up to date with his hilarious affliction.  

14/02/16

As Sky were building us up to a genuine ‘Super Sunday’ involving the top 4 teams in the league, gamblers (as well as normal people) were struggling to predict how it would all pan out. Would Leicester shit in everyone’s mouths and win again? Can Spurs turn up for the big games? Will Arsenal buck the trend and actually resemble a football team in February? And is Mr Nice Guy Pellegrini deliberately and hilariously going to stitch Guardiola up by dropping out the top 4? ‘Where’s your money?’ I kept being asked*

(*) Not a single soul asked me this question.

So where was my money? Keep reading and you will fucking well find out.

Match 1: Arsenal v Leicester – Arsenal to win or draw

So here we go. What is going to happen here? Lunatics across the country are saying Leicester are the title favourites after they turned up and turned over City last week. I am still not having that and pre game I convinced myself that Arsenal would win it, albeit narrowly. Since I am a coward, I went for Arsenal to win or draw. Wenger is a fascinating creature, giving off the scent of someone very intelligent but also ridiculously naive. I was backing him here to have watched the way that Leicester beat City last week and not make the same mistakes. Sure enough, he brought back Coquelin to presumably kick lumps out of Kante and Mahrez whilst Vardy would be marshalled by the excellent Koscielny. A slow start to the game with Arsenal dominating possession put me in a rather confident mood. They may have gone ahead had it not been for Huth and Morgan being shits and blocking a few decent efforts at goal. All was looking well until, right on half time, geeky full back Nacho Monreal brought down Vardy and the referee excitedly pointed to the spot. No doubt that Vardy bought it, but here at GITG we applaud anybody who is willing to cheat for the sake of winning. Anyway, it was old Vardy himself, probably smelling like piss, to take the penalty against Cech. 1-0 Leicester and here we go again.

At half time I was feeling down I must say. Finding out that Koscielny had been replaced by Hollyoaks character and part time calamity defender Chambers did nothing to change that. However, my thanks now go out to one Danny Simpson. Even in a side that is playing well, he hasn’t been able to trick people he is a good footballer and he picked up two yellows in quick succession to be sent to have an early bath. I often wonder if players who are sent off sit in the massive bath tub in the changing rooms and slowly drift under the water only to be rescued by the kit man. I would have forgiven the Leicester kit man in this case to have turned a blind eye. Back out on the pitch the Arsenal team, unaware that Simpson was topping himself, were applying the pressure and with 20 minutes remaining, Walcott profited from a Giroud knockdown to finish nicely. The poor lad was pushed over by Giroud whilst trying to celebrate but he bounced back up like a little deer and Arsenal had the scent of Leicester City blood in their nostrils. My bet was all but won and Danny Welbeck’s goalscoring return to win it was a nice moment for all to savour, but inconsequential to my bet.

Match 2: Villa v Liverpool – Liverpool to win

Hahahahaha

Matches 3 & 4: City v Spurs – Spurs to win or draw, Augsburg v Bayern – Bayern to win

I was right where I wanted to be. A change of venue whilst Kolo Toure was scoring versus Villa meant I was now in a pub with other desperate men. The game was a rather dull affair as Spurs dominated possession but couldn’t work any decent chances. The Bayern game against an inadequate outfit called Augsburg kicked off 15 minutes into the first half and Bayern went 1-0 within the first 20 minutes which settled me down a bit. As the players came out for the second half at the Etihad, I just imagined how much a Spurs goal would help me relax. When Sterling was adjudged to have handballed in the area by the inept Mark Clattenberg, I could barely believe it. As Kane slotted the penalty in, a man who was sitting near me groaned and said that he had bet on it being 3-0 to City. I was simply disgusted that anyone thought that was going to be the score, but I spared him as I was quite literally the happiest man in the world at this point. I pondered a cash out after City equalized but I stood firm and was left celebrating a memorable win. I staggered back home after a curry (that later sent my guts into disarray) but it felt as if I was gliding. Gliding like a massive gambling duck in a pond of happiness. Upon arrival, I went straight to bed and definitely didn’t bet a small but significant portion of my winnings on Inter Milan to beat Fiorentina. No sir, I went straight to bed.

As a totally unrelated comment, Inter Milan are a pitiful club who I hope disappear without a fucking trace.