GITG | THE STRIFE AND TIMES OF A. CUMALATOR #1

In this new weekly feature our resident gambling addict keeps us up to date with his hilarious affliction.  

06/02/16

Saturday morning brought all football fans the chance to tune in to see the glorious and presumably humiliating end to Leicester City’s obnoxious attempt to win the Premier League. Up against a City side boasting the enormously impressive Sergio Aguero in attack and that crafty little swine, David Silva, in midfield, it was just a question of how many would be flying past Schmeichel in the Leicester nets.  Obviously no televised game can go past without a flutter, so I went in heavy handed on City to win or draw coupled with an Atletico Madrid stroll against pub team Eibar. ‘City might draw but they surely won’t lose at home’ very much being what I muttered to nobody in particular as I pressed ‘Place Bet’.

A horrendously timed phone call from abroad cost me the first 5 minutes, but my face dropped as I walked in to see that Leicester had smugly taken an early lead. Simply horrific defending from a City side that is quite horrific at defending was the cause of Huth’s scrappy opener. Whilst quite stunned by this, I also felt quietly pleased with myself that I hadn’t put my money on a City win. ‘They’ll come back, it’s Leicester’ I thought. City were turning the screw at this point, probing deep in the Leicester half and creating one or two openings.

Then came the big decision of the first half when balding full back Pablo Zabaleta was wildly taken out by one of the ex-factory workers in the Leicester back line inside the penalty area. The referee blew his whistle and gave a foul, but outside the box to the dismay of City fans. One wasted free kick later and I was starting to get pretty fucking worried. The odd glance at my diminishing cash out amount the only notable memories I have from the rest of the first half.

At half time, a bunch of halfwits in the BT Sport studio convinced me to stick it through and wait for the City onslaught. Instead Mahrez and Huth scored to make it 3-0 and game over. Whilst everybody else presumably celebrated such a shocking result, I was picking up the pieces and cashing out for a miserable sum. Aguero’s glancing late header only made me murmur something relatively offensive.

Atletico won, obviously.

***

The beauty of Saturday is that football is non-stop and for a betting man, there is always a way back. Flicking down one channel made Soccer Saturday come on my telly and I was full of optimism again. In the studio Jeff talks about the upcoming games with a collection of 4 men who struggle quite badly with conjugating verbs. ‘He’s went over too easy there’ – Really, Thommo? ‘The referee give it’ – Come on Charlie, I know you are Scottish but please. They are getting paid to talk on T.V.

To drag myself out of the abyss, I went for a quadruple on 4 games where there simply had to be a winner, just no draws. A lovely option for those who can’t stand to see their bet go up in flames early on, this bet always keeps you alive until the very last kick. However, it wasn’t looking good going into the last 15 minutes as Bolton had been pegged back by Rotherham and the Preston v Huddersfield clash looked to be petering out to a pathetic 0-0 draw. Leyton Orient, led by wonderful scouser Kevin Nolan, were doing the business against Portsmouth and Wigan were marching to a comfortable away win at Sheffield United. Time was ticking down and frustratingly Preston and Huddersfield had traded goals and there was still nothing from Bolton or Rotherham. 

Then something special happened – ‘BOLTON HAVE STOLEN IT’ yelled some poor bloke in a head set who had to go to Bolton for the day. Almost simultaneously I discovered that Preston had also won it with the last kick. This was a moment to cherish, my luck had changed. My football results app then wrongly informed me that Huddersfield had equalised but after confirmation that my app was being mental (or mischievous) I was celebrating a win that erased the hurt caused by a Leicester city side that will still surely be 7^th come May.

Anon.