Soldado In AVB Troll Hell

An anonymous source in the Tottenham camp has told GITG of the strained relationship between Spurs head man and his £26M summer signing.

Michael Dawson, referring to Tottenham's away match against Fulham, recounts:

'Fulham have lost 237 games in a row, it's the perfect game to get Soldado a goal and he picks Defoe.  AVB is such a troll.  He's staring at Soldado as he reads out the team sheet in the dressing room.  Not even looking at the sheet, just staring at his nose.  Coughing as he says Lamela.' 

'He says things like, "Sol…d Bale in the summer." "Ready Sol…ted crisps are my favourite."  And, "Sol…itary striker Defoe."

'At half time our forwards had failed to make any impact on the game.  Staring at Soldado from an inch away AVB said: "Jermaine you're doing really well, keep it up."  Patting Soldado on the back.  Grinning.'    

Dawson added: 'This kind of trolling isn't isolated to the dressing room.  When everyone else is watching scouting videos of the upcoming opponent he makes Soldado watch Nutty Professor by himself.'

Soldado recently closed his Facebook account after an online bully sent private messages like: "Why aren't you playing?"  And, "Great shot Jermaine."  

'It was AVB,' Dawson sighed. 'I could see him on his phone during the match, laughing to himself.'

West Madrid To Join Premier League 2014/15

West Ham United have today confirmed that they will be rebranding to align with fans' expectations.

'They act like they support Real Madrid so that's what we're going to give them,' said co-owner David Sullivan.  'It's a toss up between Real Ham and West Madrid.'  

Taking a break from his busy schedule, West Ham supporter Reggie Crayford Biggs told GITG:  'To me we already support Real Madrid so I can't understand why we aren't playing like it.  Why isn't Ronaldo scoring a hattrick every game?  Why aren't we top of the league?  I don't understand.' 

However, in an interview with TalkSport, an audibly fed up and northern Sam Allardyce told presenters: 'What do they [the fans] expect?  They act like five 0-0s is somehow not in-keeping with the club's mundane contribution to the game.  They say if you can't win don't lose...five points and five clean sheets doesn't sound bad to me.' 

'I'd be happy with West Madrid,' he added. 

In an era of mad foreign owners resembling Bond super villains swooping in and feeding managers to sharks with lasers on their heads, or in Cardiff's case, changing the strip to grey jump suits with yellow piping, David Sullivan isn't afraid to make drastic changes.  And why should he be?

'Why should I be?' Sullivan asked journalists why should he be.  'I'll tell you why I should I be, the fans already behave like they support Real Madrid, booing after every match because we didn't beat Man City 7-0, so in a sense renaming the club wouldn't be changing anything, in fact it would be adjusting to what already exists - an unfounded, delusional and bizarre sense of entitlement.'

West Madrid are to conduct all dealings with the press in Spanish, and bid no less than €40M for any player.  Sullivan has also stated that he intends to seek planning permission from Spanish officials to build a 90,000 seater stadium in Madrid, which he will name Champions of the Galaxy Park.

Football Fan Arrested For Punching Poppy During Minute Silence

Football fan Andy Phelan, 30, has been arrested by Islington police after he punched a poppy in front of World War II veteran Kenneth Edmonds, 89, in protest against the hatrick of minute silences during todays matches.

Veteran paratrooper Kenneth, who lost his wallet during the battle of Arnhem, told responding officers how a raging Mr  Phelan walked up to his stand outside Sainsbury's, donated 50p, and proceeded to 'punch the life out of the poppy.'

[Above] Andy Phelan on his 30th birthday

'I couldn't believe my eyes,' Kenneth recounted. 'Seeing that brought everything back.  My military training kicked-in and I restrained Mr Reynolds, who kept shouting 'f*cking Poyet' until the police arrived.'  

Passers-by described Mr Phelan as being in a 'trance-like state'.

Kenneth was accompanied by 96 year old veteran Albert, who due to an injury sustained during the battle of Dunkirk was unable to aid Kenneth in his struggle with the crazed fan.  'It's lucky Albert had his eyes shot out by the Luftwaffe, otherwise Mr Reynolds would have been bang in trouble,' Kenneth remarked.  'Bang in trouble.'   

DCI Sarah Jones, who was first to arrive at the scene, described Mr Phelan's behaviour as, 'a total lack of respect.  Every day British soldiers execute wounded Taliban fighters so football fans, like Mr Phelan, can watch a soul destroying Newcastle win over Tottenham.' 

'I just hope the spectacle hasn't detracted from the poppy as a symbol of remembrance, and the source of heroine that funds the Taliban.'  She gushed.

African Cup Of Nations 2013

So the footballing anti-spectacle that is the African Cup Of Nations has been and gone for another year.  Fans around the globe held their breath as their favourite players jetted off mid-season to get injured, get malaria and get shot.  Thankfully, none of these events materialised.  That's right, I am going to say that no one in this year's African Cup Of Nations got injured.

At the same, time David Attenborough was busy painting a picture of natural wonder and a world without football, itv said "HEY, WAIT ATTENBOROUGH.  JUST WAIT A MINUTE, AREN'T YOU FORGETTING SOMETHING?  THAT SOMETHING BEING PEOPLE AND FOOTBALL, AND PEOPLE PLAYING FOOTBALL?" And so on Saturday 19th January 2013, itv picked up the footballing baton and ran with it all the way to Sunday 10th February shouting, "IN YOUR FACE ATTENBOROUGH!  HOW COULD YOU MISS THIS?  SHOULD HAVE GONE TO SPECSAVERS YOU OLD C-" 

Unfortunately, if any of you did actually bother to watch itv's piss-poor coverage of the African Cup Of Nations 2013 you would have seen frankly just how missable it was.  The opening day saw Angola take on North Africans Morocco, and South Africans South Africa took on Cape Verde.  Both matches ended 0-0.  Meanwhile on the BBC, Attenborough was pulling on viewers' heartstrings as he captured the moving moment a mother elephant actually cried because she couldn't milk her youngling.  Much like the baby elephant in Attenborough's piece, my hopes of seeing decent football shrivelled up and perished.      

Of the 32 matches played in all, 14 ended in draws.  None, thankfully, ended in riots.  This is particularly thanks to the disqualification of African bad boys Senegal from this year's competition following the riot that caused their play-off against African cool dudes Ivory Coast to be abandoned.  Ivory Coast (not to be confused with Ivy Coast, or Ivory Coat) were awarded the match 2-0 and granted safe passage to the finals.  Unfortunately for Sabri Lamouchi's men, they were unable to take full advantage of the bye, losing 2-1 in the quarterfinal match against eventual overall winners Nigeria.  

In a competition where Gervinho is supposedly one of the better players - and as this person points out on YouTube:   

- the supporters were pretty much the only consistent source of entertainment throughout.  Broad smiles, dances, splashes of colourful traditional dress and the banging of drums all lent to a real party atmosphere, and while it's easy for someone who only really followed the competition by very occasionally peering at the television screen, and through nervous conversations with cab drivers, to dismiss the Cup as being irrelevant, ill-timed, of a poor standard, it's clear that the African Cup Of Nations - at least for those who can afford a ticket - means a bunch.    

And so, as the sun sets on another African Cup Of Nations we're left to ponder on what it is we've just seen exactly; and think things like why can't the competition be every four years?  But conclude to ourselves that it's probably to do with life expectancy, or something..  And as Attenborough watches on from the safety of his BBC hide as a pack of lions gang rape a gazelle (speaking of which did you see the absolute target itv wheeled out to present its post match coverage?  Her hair couldn't have been more blonde and her eyes couldn't have been more blue.  Hiring her was actually racist.  I mean seriously, I'm actually laughing.  Seriously itv.  YOU'RE SO BAD.  If she doesn't end up in the Mercury I'll be very surprised.)   

So too does the sun set on another blog.

Goodbye.

Nigeria Goalkeeper Tries To Celebrate With Referee