Sherwood Gets The Nod As Levy Campaigns For Batshit Football

Tottenham Interim (interim) assistant head coaching manager Timothy Sherwood (Timothy) has been given the nod to take over the reigns at questionable football club Tottenham Hotspur, in what has been seen as a statement of intent (lunacy) by Jewish cartoon character/Tottenham chairman Daniel J (probably) Levy.

After fielding a team consisting of 11 attacking midfielders against Southampton, and punishing the quite horrendous defensive performance by the grossly overrated south coasters, he has been trusted with the 6th (probably) best job in England (probably).

Timothy was said to be 'Absolutely cunting delighted' and has promised to 'Give them youngsters a chance, y'know because they are all young and stuff'.

Our tactical experts at GITG have been discussing the new 2-4-4 (inverted 4-4-2) and have agreed that Erik Lamela and Roberto Soldado will flourish in the defensive deep lying poacher roles set out for them.

Bobby Soldado had this to say:

'I know me and AVB (yes he calls him AVB) had our ups and downs, his trolling of me during the Fulham game was a lowlight (yes his English is this good already) But i would like to thank him for the signing on fee i got.

The future under Timothy looks bright. I would prefer to be playing in my favoured 'advanced poacher/moaner/tutter' role, but im willing to give the defensive deep lying poacher a go too

also please don't call me Bobby, its not funny, its really not'

Every other football fan in the world (including Newcastle) are said to be in absolute hysterics at what is going on in N17, as this Hull fan, Barry Barryson, has pointed out:

'Something mumble mumble something something fucking pies, fucking mumble something something drunk cunt, something mumble mumble something'

More soon

Soldado In AVB Troll Hell

An anonymous source in the Tottenham camp has told GITG of the strained relationship between Spurs head man and his £26M summer signing.

Michael Dawson, referring to Tottenham's away match against Fulham, recounts:

'Fulham have lost 237 games in a row, it's the perfect game to get Soldado a goal and he picks Defoe.  AVB is such a troll.  He's staring at Soldado as he reads out the team sheet in the dressing room.  Not even looking at the sheet, just staring at his nose.  Coughing as he says Lamela.' 

'He says things like, "Sol…d Bale in the summer." "Ready Sol…ted crisps are my favourite."  And, "Sol…itary striker Defoe."

'At half time our forwards had failed to make any impact on the game.  Staring at Soldado from an inch away AVB said: "Jermaine you're doing really well, keep it up."  Patting Soldado on the back.  Grinning.'    

Dawson added: 'This kind of trolling isn't isolated to the dressing room.  When everyone else is watching scouting videos of the upcoming opponent he makes Soldado watch Nutty Professor by himself.'

Soldado recently closed his Facebook account after an online bully sent private messages like: "Why aren't you playing?"  And, "Great shot Jermaine."  

'It was AVB,' Dawson sighed. 'I could see him on his phone during the match, laughing to himself.'

West Madrid To Join Premier League 2014/15

West Ham United have today confirmed that they will be rebranding to align with fans' expectations.

'They act like they support Real Madrid so that's what we're going to give them,' said co-owner David Sullivan.  'It's a toss up between Real Ham and West Madrid.'  

Taking a break from his busy schedule, West Ham supporter Reggie Crayford Biggs told GITG:  'To me we already support Real Madrid so I can't understand why we aren't playing like it.  Why isn't Ronaldo scoring a hattrick every game?  Why aren't we top of the league?  I don't understand.' 

However, in an interview with TalkSport, an audibly fed up and northern Sam Allardyce told presenters: 'What do they [the fans] expect?  They act like five 0-0s is somehow not in-keeping with the club's mundane contribution to the game.  They say if you can't win don't lose...five points and five clean sheets doesn't sound bad to me.' 

'I'd be happy with West Madrid,' he added. 

In an era of mad foreign owners resembling Bond super villains swooping in and feeding managers to sharks with lasers on their heads, or in Cardiff's case, changing the strip to grey jump suits with yellow piping, David Sullivan isn't afraid to make drastic changes.  And why should he be?

'Why should I be?' Sullivan asked journalists why should he be.  'I'll tell you why I should I be, the fans already behave like they support Real Madrid, booing after every match because we didn't beat Man City 7-0, so in a sense renaming the club wouldn't be changing anything, in fact it would be adjusting to what already exists - an unfounded, delusional and bizarre sense of entitlement.'

West Madrid are to conduct all dealings with the press in Spanish, and bid no less than €40M for any player.  Sullivan has also stated that he intends to seek planning permission from Spanish officials to build a 90,000 seater stadium in Madrid, which he will name Champions of the Galaxy Park.

Football Fan Arrested For Punching Poppy During Minute Silence

Football fan Andy Phelan, 30, has been arrested by Islington police after he punched a poppy in front of World War II veteran Kenneth Edmonds, 89, in protest against the hatrick of minute silences during todays matches.

Veteran paratrooper Kenneth, who lost his wallet during the battle of Arnhem, told responding officers how a raging Mr  Phelan walked up to his stand outside Sainsbury's, donated 50p, and proceeded to 'punch the life out of the poppy.'

[Above] Andy Phelan on his 30th birthday

'I couldn't believe my eyes,' Kenneth recounted. 'Seeing that brought everything back.  My military training kicked-in and I restrained Mr Reynolds, who kept shouting 'f*cking Poyet' until the police arrived.'  

Passers-by described Mr Phelan as being in a 'trance-like state'.

Kenneth was accompanied by 96 year old veteran Albert, who due to an injury sustained during the battle of Dunkirk was unable to aid Kenneth in his struggle with the crazed fan.  'It's lucky Albert had his eyes shot out by the Luftwaffe, otherwise Mr Reynolds would have been bang in trouble,' Kenneth remarked.  'Bang in trouble.'   

DCI Sarah Jones, who was first to arrive at the scene, described Mr Phelan's behaviour as, 'a total lack of respect.  Every day British soldiers execute wounded Taliban fighters so football fans, like Mr Phelan, can watch a soul destroying Newcastle win over Tottenham.' 

'I just hope the spectacle hasn't detracted from the poppy as a symbol of remembrance, and the source of heroine that funds the Taliban.'  She gushed.