The Gunners dig-in at the www.SportsDirect.co.uk Bowl to secure away win and end calendar year in top spot
It was a game touted as yet another 'big test' for Wenger's men. Why exactly, I have no idea - what have Newcastle ever actually achieved? All they have is a big stadium, and that's only because there is so much space in Newcastle.
Neither side seemed particularly interested in what was arguably the weirdest game of the season. Even the commentators sounded as if they were commentating from home. You could genuinely hear a game of Trivial Pursuit being picked up on one of their radio mics in the 80th minute. Pardew set his team out to prevent any kind of football being played, and almost succeeded until Walcott's second half free kick connected with Giroud's good looks and went in.
Exactly a year ago to the day, Arsenal (to coin a phrase oft offered forth by Pardew) 'raped' Newcastle 7-3 at the Emirates. However, today the encounter would resemble more a drunken fumble than a life-shattering display of sexual aggression. It was clear from the off that Pardew intended to keep Newcastle's legs firmly shut. Former Arsenal target Yohan Cabaye who had initially started in an advanced position was ushered back to collect the ball deep. Cabaye along with Cheik Tioté hounded the Arsenal players, creating a scrappy, disjointed affaire. Tioté, who would not look out of place at a war crime, broke up play well, and managed to escape a yellow card despite fouling every Arsenal man including Wenger seven times.
Despite creating early on, Arsenal's midfield failed to take a hold of the game. Wilshere, who returned from his two match ban, was wasteful, so too were Tomas Rosicky and Santi Cazorla, and neither they nor the rest of the Arsenal team were able to make any meaningful impression on the game. The visitors reverted to a weird, panicky, ineffectual direct style of play; they were playing like an average team who, deluded by an unrealistic sense of grandeur, were desperate to impress; they were playing like Newcastle. Whereas Newcastle were playing like a shit Newcastle.
However it was the hosts who came closest to opening the scoring before the break, when Sissoko's stoppage time effort induced (lol) a fine save from Szczesny, before Debuchy hit the woodwork from the resulting corner. At half time Newcastle followed Arsenal into the tunnel because they clearly didn't know where they were going, and the commentator gave up all pretences and was heard discussing Downton Abbey at the dinner table with family friends who were over for Christmas.
The second half began in the same vein as the first had ended. Newcastle continued their anti-football and one felt, with a little luck, it was only a matter of time before Arsenal's extended pressure would pay off. Then in the 65th minute Tioté brought down Cazorla to give Arsenal the free kick that would end the deadlock (no card.) Walcott managed to step up without giving the ball away, and delivered a perfectly weighted 30 yard lightly in-swinging free kick that was met by the most delicate of glances from Olivier Giroud's gorgeous head, and the ball slipped under Krul (KRULLY YOU MIGHT SAY) to end Giroud's seven-game spell without a goal.
After that, all hell broke loose. Arsenal came close to doubling their lead, Walcott's low effort was saved by Krul, as was his chip which was headed off the line by a superb Debuchy before Grioud managed to hit the rebound behind him for a throw. Ben Arfa came on for Gouffran and started skinning-up everyone ('everyone') for fun, and the commentator was heard in the kitchen arguing with his wife.
Then, because he is such a troll, Szczesny, grinning at Pardew, smashed the ball deliberately at Remy's face knowing fall well the rebound would go wide. 'How's that for an assist?' Szczesny said to Remy in French. And he kept asking him over and over until Remy eventually got up off the floor and was able to speak.
Seemingly content with what they had, Arsenal sat back and invited pressure, as Newcastle had done for most of the game. Arteta replaced Gibbs and Flamini moved to left-back (a role he played during his first spell at Arsenal, helping them reach the Champions League Final in 2006.) Then ten minutes later in the 80th, Jenkinson came on for Walcott and did his best impression of a young footballer out of his depth. A like-for-like, then. With 14 defenders on the pitch, it was clear Arsene was not for turning.
Newcastle piled on the pressure, even Krul, determined to get his own back on Arsenal following his absolute trolling last season from snake Robin van Perscunt, went up for multiple corners following several parried attempts and a bizarre clearance from Mertesacker. However, despite these flailing attempts to make up for Pardew's naivety, Newcastle's best chance late on was a great solo run by Ben Arfa who worked his way into the Arsenal box only to strike the side netting, the ball making the netting move like a fish would if it was caught in some netting or kicked by a footballer into some netting.
A resilient Arsenal held on to claim all three points. As opposed to two. Hilariously, after the game, like all deceitful womanising sex addicts, Pardew blamed everyone but himself. He tried to claim that 'the goal came at a good time for Arsenal,' that Arsenal were on the back foot because Ben Arfa had come on, and not because they had chosen to be after scoring. No one could have predicted Pardew's demented post-match sighs of injustice, except for everyone on the planet. We called it word-for-word at half time:
Word-for-word. Unbelievable. The man is a lunatic. But Newcastle can certainly feel proud of their efforts, Debuchy was rightly named man of the match, not setting a foot wrong all game and was influential in both defence and attack. However, to claim they were 'unfortunate' or 'deserved to win' is disingenuous. But then Pardew is disingenuous, just ask all the players whose wives he fucked.
In summary, Newcastle held on for a 0-0 draw, Arsenal held out for a 1-0 win.
What does this mean for the table? Arsenal move back into top spot, and even though it's a position they've occupied for the entire season, their title credentials are still laughed off by ex-Liverpool pundits or simply ignored. Wenger's men have a favourable run of games in the new year, their next fixture being at home to Cardiff, before facing Aston Villa, Fulham and Southampton. However, it is arguably in these fixtures that Arsenal will need to prove themselves. Too much emphasis is placed on 'the big games,' which are essentially anomalies. Arsenal lost 1-0 away to Manchester United, lost 6-3 away to Manchester City, and drew 0-0 with Chelsea, and yet they sit a point clear at the top of the table. Two weeks ago on Sky Sports Jamie Redknapp was panting that if Arsenal lost against Chelsea their title hopes would be over, while completely neglecting to mention that with a win Arsenal would go 2 points clear. Such is the over dramatisation and exhausting black and white crisis enthusing approach to football coverage that plagues punditry and back pages today.
As for Newcastle United they remain in 8th position. They could finish 5th, they could finish 15th. No one knows what they're doing.
