Worm Digitally Harassed After Auto-correct Trolling

The world’s best worm is being swarmed with emails and social networking posts as auto-correct claims another victim.

‘Soily John’, 2 months old, from the Lake District, Cumbria, has contacted Apple regarding a possible update to their ‘auto-correct’ system.  It seems that every time someone uses their iPhone to search for ‘West Brom’, the Midlands based football team; the phrase is automatically changed to ‘Best Worm’.

Whilst this would seem like pointless news to most, it’s the opposite for Soily John.  At the recent ‘Bug Baftas’, John was awarded the ‘Best Worm in the World’ award, due to his distinct ‘shimmering skin’ and patented ‘figure of 8’ soil digging technique.

‘At first it didn’t bother me, sobbed John, ‘it was actually really good exposure, but now it’s just becoming a burden’

John has received over 8,000 emails from West Brom fans trying to renew their season tickets, and has been tagged on Instagram, Facebook and Twitter over 2,000 times a day for the last month with the hashtag #BestWorm. Some examples have been listed below

Great ball in from Brunt there #BestWorm

Tony Pulis looks like an owl that’s flown through sports direct #BestWorm

Where has Saido Berahino actually gone? #BestWorm  

Naturally, the tweet involving the owl, an earthworm’s greatest threat, is being treated as a hate crime.

West Bromwich Albion recently reached out to John and offered him a patch of soil at the Hawthorns, along with a signed Rondon shirt.  Apple refused to comment on the story but are reportedly ‘looking into it’.  Soily John is said to be pursuing compensation, if he survives the winter without being cut in half by a child with a shovel.

GITG 

Trickster Mourinho Quietly Ruining United

‘THE OLD UNITED ARE BACK!!’ screeched an illiterate journalist working for daily celebrity magazine The Sun after the come-from-behind victory a few weeks back. It was against Middlesbrough, a club whose name even suggests they are nothing more than average. 

‘But two late goals, mummy?'

'Just like Ferguson used to do, mummy?’ 

‘Mummy? Mum?’ – Wind your neck in Toddy, even mummy knows this is utter bollocks.

For all of us balanced human beings, the fact is United have been poor this season. Yet for some reason everyone is convinced that Mourinho is doing a great job. I can just see the headlines: ‘MOURINHO INCREDIBLY STEERS UNITED TO SIXTH PLACE AFTER SPENDING 200 MILLION!!’. What a legend.

After outspending the whole league in the Summer and winning 3 games on the bounce (against Bournemouth, Southampton and Hull) Mourinho stated in his own brand of gobshitey arrogance that he of course is intending to win the league and had a dig at any manager who isn’t aiming to do so. And who could blame him? The brilliant Pogba was brought to inject the pace and energy into a sluggish midfield, Mkhitaryan - a man whose name looks like someone has just angrily sweeped a Scrabble board off the table because a pissed up Auntie Sue is making up words again- was added to provide a direct goal threat from midfield and Ibrahimovic was bought to score bags of goals and be hilarious. Bailly was also brought in and all 4 have been successful to some degree, so it was a well-played transfer window from Mourinho and United.

But then they started losing. City beat them at Old Trafford and City have since been found out to be a bag of shite. Then Feyenoord and Watford beat them. Then Chelsea thrashed them. Draws at home to West Ham, Stoke and Burnley came in between. So what did Mourinho have to say now? Oh yeah, of course – his squad isn’t good enough to win the league. So there you go United fans, Mourinho was briefly swept away by stunning wins against three awful to average teams but now he can see that a team full of internationals is not capable of winning a title currently held by Leicester City. 

United are currently sitting in sixth place after spending the most money of all Premier League teams. That is a failure no matter how it is spun in the media.

What’s worse is that Mourinho is also ruining the future of the club. Martial, Rashford, Shaw, Fosu-Mensah and Andreas Pereira have all previously been tipped to lead the club into the future, but have all been marginalised to varying degrees. Reports of Rashford going to the bubble-infested running track at nightmarish club West Ham on loan were troubling, as is Martial’s obvious discontent and subsequent link with Sevilla.

In Shaw's case, when a half-arsed Darmian is playing out of position ahead of you there must be something wrong. Is it Shaw’s lack of application in training? No, in a word. So is it Mourinho being a stubborn prat? Yes, most probably. Shaw, along with Martial and Rashers were the shining lights in traumatic season for United last term, but then Mr Face Like A Smacked Arse pulls up and couldn’t possibly play anyone who displays youthful exuberance. Where is the fun in that? Martial had his squad number wrenched from him to give to a 35 year old coming in. Is he supposed to be thrilled? Imagine if your boss took your chair away and gave it to a new recruit and left you sitting on a piled up stack of paper. That is exactly the same as this, I believe, and it frankly reeks of shortsightedness and is poor management in any man’s book.

Did you see the news this weekend? Yeah of course you did – Rooney broke the record. Amazing, incredible, wonderful……oh and United drew against a poor Stoke side, managed by a confused and aggressive badger. But what about Rooney ay...

Genuinely, Mourinho does not like football. He never comments on a moment of brilliance and feels disturbed by the prospect of an entertaining game. But you can’t knock a coach who has won loads of trophies, can you? But if he keeps this up and finishes sixth then I’ll be knocking him into next fucking week*

GITG

*(ed) Not a physical threat against Mr Mourinho

Millwall FC to Move to Kent as Lewisham Council Get Their Wish

Lewisham council's quite hilarious ploy to troll the absolute hell out of fighty football club, Millwall, has been given the green light. The Council decided in a closed meeting that 'they needed to shift these flats before people realise that South Bermondsey isn’t in fact hipster, but simply just a shit hole'.

Millwall chiefs have decided that a move to the South Kent coast is their best option, and have pinpointed the sleepy town of Ramsgate to build their new footballing dynasty.

With 99% of lifelong Millwall fans defecting to other clubs, a new 'firm' has been started on the south coast to try and maintain the 'hardman' image that the club has been associated with throughout its history, and GITG have the inside scoop.

The firm, labelled 'The Knobbly Knee Brigade' by 89 year old founder Arthur West, has swollen in numbers since the relocation was announced. Arthur spoke to us about his plans for the group, over a nice cup of Horlix.

'I just feel that with the history of thuggery Millwall have, it would be a shame not to continue that down here. We've already come up with some chants…

'LET EM COME LET EM COME LET EM….ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ'

'WE ARE MILLWALL, SUPER MILLWALL, WE ARE MILLWALL, FROM RAMSGATE'

And my personal favourite

'FUCK EM ALL, FUCK EM ALL, SEAGULLS ICE CREAMS AND BEACH BALLS'

Arthur also gave us the run down on the firms ‘top boys’

Arthur West: 89 years old

Occupation: Retired

Arthur has lived in Ramsgate his entire life. With two fake hips and a severe case of shingles, Arthur has decided to take care of the brigade’s admin rather than get involved in the nasty stuff. You can tell he has an evil streak however; he even regaled GITG with a worrying anecdote from his younger years.

‘Me and Queenie (wife) were at the penny machines on the pier one Sunday morning. I’d had two cups of tea so the Dutch courage was really flowing through me. All of a sudden I noticed a young man push in at the front of the doughnut stand and I just lost it. I tapped him on the shoulder, squared up to him and said ‘your mother would be ashamed’

‘I had to grab Queenie by the hand and get out of there before the police came; luckily this happened in the days before CCTV cameras so I managed to keep my head down. But it was at that point I knew I had something deep inside me that I had to embrace, something primal.’

Flappy Dave:  3 years old

Occupation:  Seagull

‘Flappy Dave came to my attention about 6 months ago, on the seafront. You could tell he was a real little feathery bastard. Nicking people’s chips, dive bombing young children. He even chased off blackbirds, so the racism is there too.’

Senor Whippy:  47 years old

Occupation:  Ice cream man

‘Senor Whippy is a real gem. He supplies all of our members with Screwballs every time we meet up. He’s Peruvian, which isn’t usual for a racist British hooligan firm, but he was keen to be involved and is a menace in a scrap. He also picks me up in his ice cream van when we have ‘firm socials’. Last week we went to Ikea to buy Queenie a new bedside cabinet.’

The move is set to happen at the start of the 2018/19 season, at which point Arthur hopes to have at least 7 members.

With Millwall’s move now confirmed, young men from Bromley will have to find another way to pretend that they live in London.

GITG