Trickster Mourinho Quietly Ruining United

‘THE OLD UNITED ARE BACK!!’ screeched an illiterate journalist working for daily celebrity magazine The Sun after the come-from-behind victory a few weeks back. It was against Middlesbrough, a club whose name even suggests they are nothing more than average. 

‘But two late goals, mummy?'

'Just like Ferguson used to do, mummy?’ 

‘Mummy? Mum?’ – Wind your neck in Toddy, even mummy knows this is utter bollocks.

For all of us balanced human beings, the fact is United have been poor this season. Yet for some reason everyone is convinced that Mourinho is doing a great job. I can just see the headlines: ‘MOURINHO INCREDIBLY STEERS UNITED TO SIXTH PLACE AFTER SPENDING 200 MILLION!!’. What a legend.

After outspending the whole league in the Summer and winning 3 games on the bounce (against Bournemouth, Southampton and Hull) Mourinho stated in his own brand of gobshitey arrogance that he of course is intending to win the league and had a dig at any manager who isn’t aiming to do so. And who could blame him? The brilliant Pogba was brought to inject the pace and energy into a sluggish midfield, Mkhitaryan - a man whose name looks like someone has just angrily sweeped a Scrabble board off the table because a pissed up Auntie Sue is making up words again- was added to provide a direct goal threat from midfield and Ibrahimovic was bought to score bags of goals and be hilarious. Bailly was also brought in and all 4 have been successful to some degree, so it was a well-played transfer window from Mourinho and United.

But then they started losing. City beat them at Old Trafford and City have since been found out to be a bag of shite. Then Feyenoord and Watford beat them. Then Chelsea thrashed them. Draws at home to West Ham, Stoke and Burnley came in between. So what did Mourinho have to say now? Oh yeah, of course – his squad isn’t good enough to win the league. So there you go United fans, Mourinho was briefly swept away by stunning wins against three awful to average teams but now he can see that a team full of internationals is not capable of winning a title currently held by Leicester City. 

United are currently sitting in sixth place after spending the most money of all Premier League teams. That is a failure no matter how it is spun in the media.

What’s worse is that Mourinho is also ruining the future of the club. Martial, Rashford, Shaw, Fosu-Mensah and Andreas Pereira have all previously been tipped to lead the club into the future, but have all been marginalised to varying degrees. Reports of Rashford going to the bubble-infested running track at nightmarish club West Ham on loan were troubling, as is Martial’s obvious discontent and subsequent link with Sevilla.

In Shaw's case, when a half-arsed Darmian is playing out of position ahead of you there must be something wrong. Is it Shaw’s lack of application in training? No, in a word. So is it Mourinho being a stubborn prat? Yes, most probably. Shaw, along with Martial and Rashers were the shining lights in traumatic season for United last term, but then Mr Face Like A Smacked Arse pulls up and couldn’t possibly play anyone who displays youthful exuberance. Where is the fun in that? Martial had his squad number wrenched from him to give to a 35 year old coming in. Is he supposed to be thrilled? Imagine if your boss took your chair away and gave it to a new recruit and left you sitting on a piled up stack of paper. That is exactly the same as this, I believe, and it frankly reeks of shortsightedness and is poor management in any man’s book.

Did you see the news this weekend? Yeah of course you did – Rooney broke the record. Amazing, incredible, wonderful……oh and United drew against a poor Stoke side, managed by a confused and aggressive badger. But what about Rooney ay...

Genuinely, Mourinho does not like football. He never comments on a moment of brilliance and feels disturbed by the prospect of an entertaining game. But you can’t knock a coach who has won loads of trophies, can you? But if he keeps this up and finishes sixth then I’ll be knocking him into next fucking week*

GITG

*(ed) Not a physical threat against Mr Mourinho