A Gambler's Guide to 2017

In this special New Year addition of the feature in which our resident gambling addict keeps us up to date with his hilarious affliction, A. Cumulator gives you his tips for guaranteed betting success in 2017...

January 1st, a day when millions of half-wits believe they are suddenly going to drastically alter their habits or even personality overnight. ‘I am eating healthier!’ says a plump middle aged woman called Ruth who has spent the last 30 years of her life eating deep-fried tripe for breakfast. ‘I am hitting the gym!’ exclaims weedy gump Jason, knowing full well he barely owns a pair of testicles let alone a pair of sports shorts. ‘I’m not masturbating to hardcore pornography anymore!’ squeals a lonely soul called Alan, who’s probably at it as we speak. What we all know is that all these promises won’t be kept, and my pledge to gamble less frequently is no different. So let’s dive into my gambling tips for the year ahead.

Before I do so, let me share a sorry betting tale from the last day of 2016, my last chance at salvation before the year was up. I stuck a fairly measly sum on a bet that involved 9 teams to score a goal, a great option on SkyBet for those of you that are fed up with a team on your accumulator going 3-0 down in 20 minutes and wrecking your entire bet early doors. I picked teams that I actually fancied to win or get a positive result, so they would all manage a goal, surely. Not having Sky Sports meant I was cornered into watching the rather curious BT Sports equivalent which was upsetting.

Now, let’s play a game; name the 5 biggest football pundit cunts you can think of. Ready? Savage - correct. ‘Arry – spot on. Incey – right again. They were the easy ones, but the other two might not come to you straight away. However, I can reveal that there is a new breed of cunt on our televisions these days and it comes in the shape of Chris Sutton. Inexplicably smug and hyperbolic to the extreme, he truly is a category A bellend. The fifth of the filthy five is slightly leftfield but a cunt nonetheless and that my friends is Dean Saunders. Now imagine all these horrible human beings sitting on a cheap sofa trying to articulate what is happening in a football match that you can’t see. It’s horrifying and frankly a disaster.

That was all put to one side as my teams started scoring. Bolton and some other depressing teams in League One got off the mark early on leaving me with 6 left with an hour of play in all the games remaining. Chelsea had won 12 on the bounce and will surely slip up soon and I had a sneaky suspicion that grey badger/man hybrid Mark Hughes would be the one to provide the banana skin, so Stoke were in my bet and as time passed I started to worry about them, especially after Chelsea took the lead. My attention was taken away from this as two more teams scored before half time, leaving Stoke and three others needing to score in the second half for a nice little earner. It was on.

At half-time Harry Redknapp said that he didn’t fancy Watford and thinks they are genuine candidates to be relegated. Quite bold but fair enough I guess, but what was his reason for thinking this? Not sure on the system? Worried about Ighalo’s drop in form? No, it’s that he hasn’t heard of half their players of course. His ignorance and laziness to do his job properly is the reason why Watford will be relegated. So there you have it, cracking insight into the game from a guy who has been a manager for 20 years.

The second half is underwOH AND STOKE HAVE FUCKING SCORED. Wonderful and unexpected news meant I was down to two with 45 minutes remaining. This was a sure thing now.

Long story short, I then sat and watched five despicable human beings talk over each other for 45 minutes with not a single mention of the last two teams scoring. Both games finished 0-0. Savage was having fun at least. Anyway, here are my tips for 2017. Well, tip really. Bet frequently and you’ll win eventually and it tastes so sweet, apparently.

A. Cumulator

(ed: Why did you send this article over Facebook?
       'I gave up my Word subscription so I could bet more.')