Christmas is a time for sharing and with that in mind I decided to share my Boxing Day with a few hundred other demented souls at this glamorous Kent Derby. We also all shared a desire to escape our families.
I have been to many fine stadia to watch Welling United over the years but Hartsdown Park, home of the skint Margate FC is surely the grandest I have ever had the privilege to visit. Indeed the portakabin changing rooms reminded me of those that once graced the Valley but in this case more closely resembled the scene for some kind of upsetting porn shoot.
Feeling famished I immediately headed for the gourmet burger stand whereupon a toothless local creature greeted me with a troubling smile. Nothing could have prepared me for the gourmet delight that I was to be served in a burger that had evidently been seasoned with tears and which had been cooked to blackened cinders.
Having taken my seat in the front row of the main stand I strained my neck to inspect its vastness and counted four rows behind me. Nobody was smiling when the teams appeared from their portakabin induced misery looking in no way inspired by their surroundings despite the music pumping over the crackling tannoy.
Surprisingly in the first half hour literally no football whatsoever was attempted with the game resembling a game of British Bulldog being played in the playground of a school for orphaned children. The game lit up with some wing wizardry from Welling winger Christian Nannetti who cut in the Margate box before being chopped to the ground. The referee pointed to the spot and in form striker Adam Coombes dispatched with aplomb. Margate heads subsequently dropped and their football fell to crushing depths allowing Welling to dominate.
The inevitable second goal came from the impressive Nannetti who once again cut in from the right and unleashed a dizzying scuff which tore into the back of the net after a sizeable deflection off of the centre half's protruding toenail. The final nail in the coffin came from Coombes who coolly finished after some geriatric Margate defending straight out of Titus Bramble's textbook. Welling actually finished the game with ten men after goalkeeper Chris Lewington collided with the post and with all substitutes having been used, midfielder Danny Waldren took the gloves for the final few minutes. With a terrified grimace throughout he was to keep the scoreline intact.
The final whistle blew and I headed for the exit satisfied. Yes I had eaten the worst food ever served anywhere. Yes I was frozen to the core. Yes Margate played some of the worst football I had seen at this level but if you don't enjoy days like this then you should be ashamed to call yourself a football fan.
GITG's non-league correspondent.
(ed: you didn't actually tell us the score?)
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