Picture the harrowing scene; Nigel, the wizard accused of causing FA Cup upsets, is tied up in a disused warehouse. Bloodied, battered and with high voltage electrodes all over his body, he is shown live images of his wizard family being shot in the face on a screen in front of him.
‘ADMIT IT, IT WAS YOU WASN’T IT?’ shouts a balaclava-clad thug, referring to Oxford United beating Swansea 3-2 in the F.A Cup in 2016.
A determined Nigel sticks to his guns – ‘I’m saying nothing’ he says defiantly, spluttering blood from his now toothless mouth.
‘WHAT ABOUT WHEN WIMBLEDON WON IT, THAT HAD YOU WRITTEN ALL OVER IT YOU WIZARDY LITTLE CUNT’ rants the thug, now becoming manically distressed. 'Right' he says with a suddenly sinister calm in his voice 'I didn't want to have to do this but you've left me no choice'. He then brings out a Pixie, handcuffed, with smudged mascara all over her face. 'Polly? Is that you?' asks a worried Nigel. 'Don't you dare lay a fing-NOOOOOOOOOOOO'
For most pundits, this is genuinely what they believe; ignoring all logic, the most famousest bestest cup competition in the whole wide world is sprinkled by magic dust and this - and only this - enables an in-form League 1 team to win a one-off game against a second string Stoke City. Magic, of course. Not hard-work, discipline, skill or even good fortune, but magic.
But not this season. As Nigel was having his toe nails pulled off the F.A Cup was chugging along without major incident. Moronic pundits sat open-mouthed and speechless as Crystal Palace beat Bolton and Southampton dispatched Norwich. ' But, how? It can't...why? I really....expected an upset tonight' sobs a petulant Ian Wright, tears in his ex-con eyes.
But then something truly marvellous happened. Lincoln City scored a late winner against Ipswich in their replay to cause an upset. Crowds gathered in the street to celebrate the news and Lincoln City fans had a new hero. No, not the manager, the coaches and definitely not the players. 'It was Nigel' said one fan. 'We owe him everything'.
Unfortunately, Nigel lives his life at constant risk of being kidnapped. 'Usually gamblers' he responds, when asked who frighten him the most. 'They put bankers on for F.A Cup week and I have to make myself scarce'.
'I miss Polly a lot, she was my world' he adds.
A tough life for one brave wizard. I'll tell you one thing for free; if Wigan beat United on Saturday then I'll make the little freak pay.
GITG
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