Gascoigne: A Tribute

I'd like to take a brief moment to acknowledge a very special player. 

Phillip Gascoigne, known affectionately to fans as 'Phil' or 'Gazza' (scoigne), began his playing career at Newcastle United in 1985.  Because of his accent it was believed he would stay there for the rest of his life, but three years later he shrugged off doubters when in 1988 he joined North Londoners Tottenham Hotspur for £2M.  Phil made 92 appearances for the yids, scoring 19 goals, and winning the FA Cup in 1991 (VHS' of the match are still available in the White Hart Lane gift shop.)  However, it was during his time at N17 that the first signs of Gascoigne's mental frailty began to appear.  Because of his accent, he would become disorientated every time he heard his own voice.  Training sessions would be halted as Gascoigne could regularly be heard asking, 'wait, where am I again?' And, 'is this Newcastle?'  As a result, Gazza cried - a lot.  Former Tottenham captain and teammate Gary Mabbut recalls this difficult period for Phil and the measures the rest of the squad took to help their misfit midfield maestro: 

At lot of fans like to believe that Phil was emotionally involved with the clubs he played for, this simply wasn't the case.  The man simply didn't know where he was, and this was really distressing for him.  Like when he cried after England were knocked out by Germany in the 1990 World Cup - he wasn't sad about the result, he told me after that he heard himself think out loud and all of a sudden thought he was in Newcastle Town Centre but couldn't understand why there was so much grass.  It was horrible to watch.  

To help him at training the Spurs lads and I decided we would each put on a Geordie accent.  But this only served to confuse us, and make Phil think we were taking the piss.  The guy's face was permanently wet. 

Despite the best effort of his teammates and staff (it's reported that Terry Venables took to giving team talks as 'Oz' out of '80's TV show Auf Wiedersehen, Pet, and once even contacted the FA about the possibility of Tottenham being allowed to play in a replica Newcastle kit) it all became too much for the troubled Phillip, and in 1992 he asked to transfer to S.S. Lazio.  It isn't clear why Lazio was his preferred destination, perhaps it's because overt displays of male emotion are more readily accepted in Italy than they are in heterosexual countries, or maybe it's because Italy only has one accent and as such it would be less confusing for him.  In either case, Gascoigne's wish was granted, and just a year after his famous FA Cup triumph Gazza was shipped off to Italy for a cool £5.5M.  Although his record with the fascist Italian club was no way as prolific as his time in England - he scored just 6 goals in 43 appearances - the Lazio Ultras took a shine to him, and because of his ostensible emotional attachment for his new club, and the well known fact that all Italian men are gay, the young lad from Newcastle quickly became a fan favourite.

Phil Gascoigne spent three happy years at Lazio before rounding off his colourful and tearful career at Rangers, Middlesbrough, Everton, Burnley and Gansu Tianma (China or some shit), before finally hanging up his boots (and almost himself if it wasn't for the timely intervention of the vigilant kit man) at Boston United in 2004.  However, years of living life as a footballing nomad took its toll on Phil as the latter end of his career was marred by alcoholism and depression and probably porn and gambling as well - all because of his own accent.  Now Gascoigne is in rehab and has taken a vow of silence, and has promised to stop drinking and being depressed and probably to stop watching so much porn and betting on things as well.  Phil speaks to no one, especially not to himself, incase hearing his own accent triggers a manic and irreversible state of 'lostness.' www.medicaldictionary.com/lostness    

How this beloved and larger than life character on the football pitch can just disappear into thin air after his playing career is over is a true tragedy.  In fact, if you google 'Phil Gascoigne professional football player', there are no results whatsoever.  Mad.  

Here's to you Phil, Geordie hero of a nation and Italy.

SUPER SUNDAY REVIEW: Chelsea secure victory despite spirited Gunners fightback, and Fergie fuming as Tottenham earn last minute point at White Hart Lane

Today, the only thing worse than listening to Jamie Redknapp's pathetic mockney accent, and looking at his massive package that he clearly pleases his beautiful wife with, was the performance of Bacary Sagna.

Chelsea 2 Arsenal 1

A game that was stagnant in the first half kicked into life in the second, with a spirited comeback by Arsenal ultimately ending in an unlucky defeat, here's why:

* Bacary Sagna - He isn't bothered, he would clearly rather be sitting in a bedsit in Paris playing Pokemon Red on his yellow Game Boy Advance. Bacary was less use than a Pikachu against a Geodude today. Goal one - Juan Mata couldn't have been in more space if he was in between Piers Morgan's ears. All you had to do was look at the replays, and you would have seen Sagna updating his Facebook status on his iphone with 'im knackered today, i just want to watch Prison Break'. RAFA BENITEZ LIKES THIS

Goal 2 - Granted Ramires isn't a wonderful footballer, but he is easily good enough to mark in the box, especially when he is around 10 yards out. Sagna thought otherwise, and whether Ramires dived or not, it was still pathetic defending from Arsenal, which deserved to be punished. Up stepped that fat prat Frank Lampard, and whether you love him or hate him (i hate him) he dispatches penalties better than Bradley Wright-Phillips steals handbags. 2-0 and deserved.

* Chelsea's first half display - For most of the season Eden Hazard has flattered to deceive, but in the first half, he was unplayable. Popping up all over the pitch, he was making himself available for the ball, and driving at the flat Arsenal defence with real purpose. He used the ball well in the final third, and linked up beautifully with Juan Mata (who was also fantastic). I just feel that Hazard deserves recognition for the yards he went through off the ball today, his industry made a real difference against a team that if you close down quickly, are easily beatable.

* Theo Walcott - He took 4 corners, all of which ended up in Cech's arms. The best way Walcott can be described is as a female WWE wrestler. She is pretty sexy on the outside, capable of impressive imaginative, and incredibly athletic manoeuvres, much like his goal. But can also make the industry look like a fucking laughing stock, and whilst you are masturbating over them, you never ever feel particularly aroused, and just rub it out because you can.

* Arsenal in the second half - Ok, enough Arsenal bashing. They were impressive in the second half, and if they had rescued a point, it would have been fully warranted.
The main difference was high pressure, Diaby and in particular Wilshere (another fine game) were squeezing Chelsea's deep midfielders and winning the ball back high up the pitch. Which ultimately resulted in Walcott scoring. They also had an urgency about them, usually when Arsenal are trailing to better opposition, they fold, but today they seemed determined to at least give a comeback a go, which was refreshing.



 Tottenham 1 Man Utd 1

This game was interesting. Anyone that was sceptical about Tottenham's chances of returning to the Champions League next year, should have had their minds changed today. Spurs had 61% possession, and 14 attempts to United's 5.

Spurs dominated proceedings from start to finish, no matter what Alex Ferguson says.

United scored with pretty much their first attack. It was a good cross from Cleverley and a perfect header from Van Persie, Kyle Walker was guilty, he was trying to steal a slammer from Van Persie's POG collection as the Dutch turncoat rose unchallenged to fire home for an undeserved lead.

After the goal United were second best throughout, Dembele was excellent at retaining the ball as always. Its amazing how a Premier League player can get away with being stoned every game, but props for Dembele, who must have a freezer full of children's piss. He does everything with ease, and keeps Spurs ticking over nicely, by supplying their threatening widemen with the ball quickly and efficiently.

Spurs could have won the game easily, Dempsey missed a couple of easy chances, and a better final ball from Lennon, combined with Bale getting himself on the ball more often, would have resulted in a comfortable win for Spurs, which is impressive against a team that are looking good for the title.

In terms of United's performance, the only positive i can come up with is that they spoiled well. They stopped Spurs from unleashing their full potential, and will be glad to leave with a point, whether the equaliser was late or not. United's performance reminded me of a Jimmy Carr show, no one particularly enjoyed it, but they still managed to get away with looking good, even though they showed less imagination than a rule breaking fox that still decides to go for a Chicken, even though there is a box of Parrots 2 yards away from the fucking ponce.

The Secret Diary of Brian Branston (Established member of the Toon Army)

Saturday 19th January 2013

9:30 AM

Today is my 40th birthday, whilst some get depressed, i actually feel fine. This could be due to a number of reasons. It could be because i have awoken to a lifesize cardboard cutout of Kevin Keegan at the foot of my single bed, clearly a birthday gift from Uncle Johnson, who sneaks into my room every year, like a morbidly obese, slightly racist Father Christmas. It could be the fact that my Alan Shearer 'SUPER NUMBER 9' dressing gown always smells fantastic (my mum uses a mixture of Persil and Daz). Or it could be the fact that I'm in the first row today, right behind the dugouts, as my beloved Newcastle United take on inferior southern imps, Reading, at the palace that is the Sports Direct Arena. All of these are possibilities, but its most probably due to the fact that i drank 15 and a half cans of Brown Ale last night, and am still absolutely pissed.

11:00 AM

My mum cooked me a monstrous plate of gammon and eggs, i now feel sober. My mood has dipped slightly. As on closer inspection, the cardboard cutout is actually from Kevin Keegan's stint at Hamburg in 1977, and has been signed by Tottenham assistant manager, Steffen Freund. I confronted Johnson at breakfast, he was reading the Daily Mail, his 'warm up paper' he likes to read to loosen up, before moving on to the more important news stories of the day. As he was switching from the Daily Mail to The Sun, i seized my chance. It didnt work out very well, he just mumbled something about a 'German red letter day' and then kissed mum on the cheek.

1 PM

I cant believe Jeff Stelling, he keeps talking about our 'makeshift defence'. How can a right footed Italian playing at left back, and James Perch be 'makeshift'. Collocini is by far the best centre back in the league.

1:07 PM
(News has come in that Collocini is on his way to a medical at Boca Juniors)

I finally understand what Jeff was talking about, and on reflection, agree with him.

2:30 PM

HE4RE WE *& GO, im updati7ng on my iphone, on the" bus t;o t6he ground, i d*nt care whayt anywone sais, cobbled strets are a grea$t invention#

2:50

10 Mins till kickoff, i just shook Super Alan Pardew's hand, signing a top manager like Alan for 8 more years was one of the wisest moves the Cockney mafia have ever made, the way they sack managers without giving them a chance is a joke. This club needs stability

3:05 Reading 1 - Newcastle 0

'YOU DONT KNOW WHAT YOU'RE DOING
YOU DONT KNOW WHAT YOU'RE DOING

F*cking Pardew, he hasnt a clue, playing Ben Arfa on the right, HES LEFT FOOTED YOU COCKNEY BAST*RD. We need to play 4-4-2 with two wingers. Honestly, this is all Pardew's fault. Its not because our players had a lucky season last year. Tiote is still outstanding, he just isnt getting the service, Cisse definitely wasn't lucky last year like the Reading fans are singing.

4:00PM

Second half kicking off now, Ashley did the right thing and paid Pardew a compensation package of £26 million so he could sack him at half time. We need a previous player to manage us, even if he has no management credentials, everyone knows its the right thing to do.

4:05PM

Ashley has appointed Fastino Asprilla on a 12 year deal. Apparently he invited Tino to the game with this in mind. He's sitting in the dugout right on front of me, its funny because he has no backroom staff, just 5 19 year old Colombian women. He keeps sniffing, must have a cold. It's a cold January up here in the North East.

4:10PM

Super Mike Ashley has apparently renamed the stadium 'the Dairylea Cauldron' within the last 5 minutes. There are good old fashioned working class lads changing the signs as i speak. Good move if you ask me, we need to freshen things up, we were getting stale. I cant remember why we used to hate him but he is listening to us now, and its making a massive difference.

4:40PM

Tino has subbed himself on for the last 5 looking for an equaliser. He was talking to the 4th official really quickly, must be in a rush as we are running out of time.

4:45PM

GOALLLLLLLLLL, TINO HAS DONE IT. What a point, Vintage Newcastle, who is laughing at us now eh!!!!
E-I-E-I-O UP THE PREMIER LEAGUE WE GO

7PM

Out for a curry with Paul-o and Dean, to celebrate all the great news from today, god its great being a member of the Toon Army. Evolution not Revolution is the name of the game, for a good old fashioned family club like ours, with morals.

Where is that Darky fella, i want my Chicken Korma.