I'd like to take a brief moment to acknowledge a very special player.
Phillip Gascoigne, known affectionately to fans as 'Phil' or 'Gazza' (scoigne), began his playing career at Newcastle United in 1985. Because of his accent it was believed he would stay there for the rest of his life, but three years later he shrugged off doubters when in 1988 he joined North Londoners Tottenham Hotspur for £2M. Phil made 92 appearances for the yids, scoring 19 goals, and winning the FA Cup in 1991 (VHS' of the match are still available in the White Hart Lane gift shop.) However, it was during his time at N17 that the first signs of Gascoigne's mental frailty began to appear. Because of his accent, he would become disorientated every time he heard his own voice. Training sessions would be halted as Gascoigne could regularly be heard asking, 'wait, where am I again?' And, 'is this Newcastle?' As a result, Gazza cried - a lot. Former Tottenham captain and teammate Gary Mabbut recalls this difficult period for Phil and the measures the rest of the squad took to help their misfit midfield maestro:
At lot of fans like to believe that Phil was emotionally involved with the clubs he played for, this simply wasn't the case. The man simply didn't know where he was, and this was really distressing for him. Like when he cried after England were knocked out by Germany in the 1990 World Cup - he wasn't sad about the result, he told me after that he heard himself think out loud and all of a sudden thought he was in Newcastle Town Centre but couldn't understand why there was so much grass. It was horrible to watch.
To help him at training the Spurs lads and I decided we would each put on a Geordie accent. But this only served to confuse us, and make Phil think we were taking the piss. The guy's face was permanently wet.
Despite the best effort of his teammates and staff (it's reported that Terry Venables took to giving team talks as 'Oz' out of '80's TV show Auf Wiedersehen, Pet, and once even contacted the FA about the possibility of Tottenham being allowed to play in a replica Newcastle kit) it all became too much for the troubled Phillip, and in 1992 he asked to transfer to S.S. Lazio. It isn't clear why Lazio was his preferred destination, perhaps it's because overt displays of male emotion are more readily accepted in Italy than they are in heterosexual countries, or maybe it's because Italy only has one accent and as such it would be less confusing for him. In either case, Gascoigne's wish was granted, and just a year after his famous FA Cup triumph Gazza was shipped off to Italy for a cool £5.5M. Although his record with the fascist Italian club was no way as prolific as his time in England - he scored just 6 goals in 43 appearances - the Lazio Ultras took a shine to him, and because of his ostensible emotional attachment for his new club, and the well known fact that all Italian men are gay, the young lad from Newcastle quickly became a fan favourite.
Phil Gascoigne spent three happy years at Lazio before rounding off his colourful and tearful career at Rangers, Middlesbrough, Everton, Burnley and Gansu Tianma (China or some shit), before finally hanging up his boots (and almost himself if it wasn't for the timely intervention of the vigilant kit man) at Boston United in 2004. However, years of living life as a footballing nomad took its toll on Phil as the latter end of his career was marred by alcoholism and depression and probably porn and gambling as well - all because of his own accent. Now Gascoigne is in rehab and has taken a vow of silence, and has promised to stop drinking and being depressed and probably to stop watching so much porn and betting on things as well. Phil speaks to no one, especially not to himself, incase hearing his own accent triggers a manic and irreversible state of 'lostness.' www.medicaldictionary.com/lostness
How this beloved and larger than life character on the football pitch can just disappear into thin air after his playing career is over is a true tragedy. In fact, if you google 'Phil Gascoigne professional football player', there are no results whatsoever. Mad.
Here's to you Phil, Geordie hero of a nation and Italy.
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