THE MEMOIR OF THE FA CUP

The Memoir of the FA Cup, February 2013


Look at that Champions League over there by the bar. Everyone is flirting with her, even fucking Tottenham, OK I'm not saying I think Tottenham is fit, he isn't, but just a little attention would be nice. Champions league has got her arse hanging out, she's flashing money left right and centre, there are people taking pictures of her, why her? her ears are fucking massive. Barcelona is literally trying to finger her whilst she talks to Milan. WHY DON'T I GET ANY ATTENTION.

Oh great, Charity Shield has come over with a drink. Now i have to listen to her moan for an hour about 'how her husband only fucks her once a year' and how 'even then it doesn't seem like he's enjoying it' Could my life get any worse?

Yes it could, here comes Chelsea. I have been watching him all night, he tries to snog Premiership, she goes off with Man United. He has a pop at Champions League, she just laughs, she only slept with him last year out of pity. He is getting drunker by the minute, he even has a pop at Europa, everyone knows she only dates on Thursday nights at 6, and usually with Russians.

He sits down next to me, 'Alright love, can i buy you a drink?' 'Listen Chelsea' i say, as he pulls out the Lottery ticket he won years ago, to remind me he still has a bit of cash floating about. 'We have been through this before, you only come to me when everyone else turns you down, and I'm bored of it. You're pissed, you stink of shit and your kids are all wankers, i slept with you a few times because i felt sorry for you, but its not going to happen again, so why don't you do everyone a favour and FUCK OFF'
God i have been wanting to do that for years, even Charity Shield laughed, and she hasn't laughed since she was diagnosed with autism a few years back, she does a good Oil Painting though, bless her. 

  Oh look who it is, Capital One has just rolled in, shes only wearing a bloody bandanna, why does she think she's cool? I was shagging Blackpool every year before she was even born. Who does she think she is? Just because Swansea is with her, i don't even know why people like Swansea, he lives miles away and has one of those thin beards that go all the way around his jawline. What a prat.

Look at poor old Arsenal over there, sitting all on his own, rumour has it he hasn't been laid for 8 years. Poor bloke, maybe i will go chat to him. Oh God who am i kidding, even Arsenal wont go for me, I'm a skankerous old tart, I'm mutton dressed as lamb, and no amount of sponsorship, or Europa League place will do anything to change that. I'm going home, this is embarrassing.