The Secret Diary of Brian Branston (Established member of the Toon Army)

Saturday 19th January 2013

9:30 AM

Today is my 40th birthday, whilst some get depressed, i actually feel fine. This could be due to a number of reasons. It could be because i have awoken to a lifesize cardboard cutout of Kevin Keegan at the foot of my single bed, clearly a birthday gift from Uncle Johnson, who sneaks into my room every year, like a morbidly obese, slightly racist Father Christmas. It could be the fact that my Alan Shearer 'SUPER NUMBER 9' dressing gown always smells fantastic (my mum uses a mixture of Persil and Daz). Or it could be the fact that I'm in the first row today, right behind the dugouts, as my beloved Newcastle United take on inferior southern imps, Reading, at the palace that is the Sports Direct Arena. All of these are possibilities, but its most probably due to the fact that i drank 15 and a half cans of Brown Ale last night, and am still absolutely pissed.

11:00 AM

My mum cooked me a monstrous plate of gammon and eggs, i now feel sober. My mood has dipped slightly. As on closer inspection, the cardboard cutout is actually from Kevin Keegan's stint at Hamburg in 1977, and has been signed by Tottenham assistant manager, Steffen Freund. I confronted Johnson at breakfast, he was reading the Daily Mail, his 'warm up paper' he likes to read to loosen up, before moving on to the more important news stories of the day. As he was switching from the Daily Mail to The Sun, i seized my chance. It didnt work out very well, he just mumbled something about a 'German red letter day' and then kissed mum on the cheek.

1 PM

I cant believe Jeff Stelling, he keeps talking about our 'makeshift defence'. How can a right footed Italian playing at left back, and James Perch be 'makeshift'. Collocini is by far the best centre back in the league.

1:07 PM
(News has come in that Collocini is on his way to a medical at Boca Juniors)

I finally understand what Jeff was talking about, and on reflection, agree with him.

2:30 PM

HE4RE WE *& GO, im updati7ng on my iphone, on the" bus t;o t6he ground, i d*nt care whayt anywone sais, cobbled strets are a grea$t invention#

2:50

10 Mins till kickoff, i just shook Super Alan Pardew's hand, signing a top manager like Alan for 8 more years was one of the wisest moves the Cockney mafia have ever made, the way they sack managers without giving them a chance is a joke. This club needs stability

3:05 Reading 1 - Newcastle 0

'YOU DONT KNOW WHAT YOU'RE DOING
YOU DONT KNOW WHAT YOU'RE DOING

F*cking Pardew, he hasnt a clue, playing Ben Arfa on the right, HES LEFT FOOTED YOU COCKNEY BAST*RD. We need to play 4-4-2 with two wingers. Honestly, this is all Pardew's fault. Its not because our players had a lucky season last year. Tiote is still outstanding, he just isnt getting the service, Cisse definitely wasn't lucky last year like the Reading fans are singing.

4:00PM

Second half kicking off now, Ashley did the right thing and paid Pardew a compensation package of £26 million so he could sack him at half time. We need a previous player to manage us, even if he has no management credentials, everyone knows its the right thing to do.

4:05PM

Ashley has appointed Fastino Asprilla on a 12 year deal. Apparently he invited Tino to the game with this in mind. He's sitting in the dugout right on front of me, its funny because he has no backroom staff, just 5 19 year old Colombian women. He keeps sniffing, must have a cold. It's a cold January up here in the North East.

4:10PM

Super Mike Ashley has apparently renamed the stadium 'the Dairylea Cauldron' within the last 5 minutes. There are good old fashioned working class lads changing the signs as i speak. Good move if you ask me, we need to freshen things up, we were getting stale. I cant remember why we used to hate him but he is listening to us now, and its making a massive difference.

4:40PM

Tino has subbed himself on for the last 5 looking for an equaliser. He was talking to the 4th official really quickly, must be in a rush as we are running out of time.

4:45PM

GOALLLLLLLLLL, TINO HAS DONE IT. What a point, Vintage Newcastle, who is laughing at us now eh!!!!
E-I-E-I-O UP THE PREMIER LEAGUE WE GO

7PM

Out for a curry with Paul-o and Dean, to celebrate all the great news from today, god its great being a member of the Toon Army. Evolution not Revolution is the name of the game, for a good old fashioned family club like ours, with morals.

Where is that Darky fella, i want my Chicken Korma.