Each week GITG acknowledges persons in and around football for their services to being a git.
This week the GITG Git of the Week Award goes to… the computer that drew the Capital One Cup Third Round!
This, the most gittish draw in the League Cup’s history, sees no fewer than three high profile derbies with Tottenham hosting Arsenal, Palace hosting Charlton and Aston Villa hosting Birmingham City.
Elsewhere;
Tuesday 22nd September 2015
Boro vs Wolves 19:45
Fulham vs Stoke 19:45
Hull City vs Swansea 19:45
Leicester vs West Ham 19:45
Preston vs Bournemouth 19:45
(feel free to look at the fixtures in the side bar so I can stop writing this)
Reading vs Everton 20:00
Sunderland vs Man City 19:45
Wednesday 23rd September 2015
Liverpool vs Carlisle 20:00
Man Utd vs Ipswich 20:00
MK Dons vs Southampton 19:45
Newcastle vs Sheff Wed 19:45
Norwich vs West Brom 19:45
Walsall vs Chelsea 19:45
So congratulations computer that drew the Capital One Cup Third Round, your snide draw - one that definitely wasn’t a deliberate and cynical attempt to get punters interested in the tournament - will have policemen sighing everywhere for weeks to come!
There will always be huge debates over what is construed as
‘the greatest goal ever scored’. The glory of football is that everyone has an
opinion, and no choice can be labelled as ‘right’ or ‘wrong’. However the
following list is completely and utterly right and if you disagree with any of
it you’re an absolute thundercunt.
These are the official GITG top 10 goals of all time……
10David Beckham, Man Utd v Wimbledon – 1996 – English
Premier League
David ‘Dave’ Beckham’s technical ability cannot be questioned.
His intelligence, hair and choice of wife is a different matter, but all in all
he seems a sincere and generally lovely fellow. Also, I would tap that, I would
tap that till it fell off, those smouldering eyes and cheeky little grin makes
me go all weak at the knees and I don’t mind admitting it.
Anyway Dave comes in first on our list with his audacious
lob against brutal South London cage fighters Wimbledon, before they moved to a
car park in Milton Keynes to arrange illegal cock fights and take cocaine.
Beckham managed to evade Vinnie Jones’ nunchuks for long enough to see Neil
Sullivan being Scottish in Wimbledon’s goal. He was seen shouting ‘Y’ALRIGHT
BIG MAN’ at a person over 5’10 in the front row (a customary Scottish
tradition). Beckham noticed this happening and decided to strike the ball from
the half way line. Sullivan was heard shouting ‘AYE ME BALLACKS, SOMEONE GET ME
A WEE POKEY HAT, I’LL NEED CHEERING UP AFTER THIS SHITE’ as the ball whistled
over his head and nestled into his goal. With one swing of his right foot, an
icon was born.
9Dennis Bergkamp, Arsenal v Newcastle – 2002 – English
Premier League
I would try to explain this goal, but there’s nothing I can
really say, just watch it. The feather footed Dutchman laying off the puff for
long enough to leave Nikos Dabizas feeling like he’d just been asked to try and
spell his own name.
8Diego Maradona – Argentina V England – 1986 – World Cup
Look he’s a git, and a coke head, and he isn’t a
particularly nice person, and he’s a cheat, and he looks like a shit drunk Father Christmas, but he scored one of the greatest goals ever, so we can’t
really leave him out.
Again, not much I can say here, you’ve all seen it a million
times, but here it is again in case you aren’t bored of the little fat prick. We've left his handball in as well, just so you know how much of a cunt he really is.
7Paul Gascoigne - England V Scotland – Euro 96
Now this was a goal. England were 1-0 up but had just
conceded a penalty in what was an incredibly tight game against local freedom
loving gingers Scotland. Having drawn their opening match with Switzerland,
England really needed 3 points here. David Seaman managed to save Gary
Mcallister’s penalty with his personality (elbow) and give England another
chance to drive the Scot’s back up into the uninhabitable part of our isles that
no one gives two fucks about. The ball came down the line for Paul Gascoigne
who was on the edge of the Scottish box, he faked to shoot with his left foot,
flicking the ball over the onrushing Colin Hendry (who slipped over a deep
fried Mars bar) before volleying the ball with his right foot into the bottom
corner. One of the greatest goals Wembley has ever seen and even better that it
made every Scottish person on earth shout even more indecipherable guff at
their TV’s than usual.
6Pele – Brazil V Sweden – 1958 – World Cup
The 17 year old Pele announced himself to the world with a
devastating performance on Football’s highest stage. His goal to make it 3-1 in
the World Cup final of 1958 even more impressive when you realise that one of
the Swedish defenders tries to take his bollocks off just before he buries it.
Pele flicking the ball over said defenders head, before taking ten studs to the
crotch area. The fact that he remained composed enough to dispatch the chance
says one of two things. He’s either got the hardest penis of all time (he does
take a lot of Viagra) or he’s the best player of all time. Probably both.
5Ryan Giggs - Manchester Utd V Arsenal - 1999 - FA Cup
This is the greatest goal the FA Cup has ever seen. The score was locked at 1-1 going into extra time of this semi final contested between the two best sides in England at the time. David Beckham had opened the scoring with a fantastic long range curler, before Bergkamp equalised with one of his own. Arsenal then won a penalty right at the end of normal time, after a rash challenge by serial brain farter Phil Neville. Bergkamp had his spot kicked saved and the rest as they say is history. Not only was this goal majestic, but it set up the Treble for United that season, so must surely be classed as one of the most important in their already illustrious history.
Ryan Giggs had shaken off his pro evolution soccer name of Bryan Greggs to come off the bench for United, who had Roy Keane sent off for stabbing a baby. United soaked up a huge amount of Arsenal pressure before an uncharacteristic mistake from Vieira landed at Giggs' feet inside his own half. Giggs ran directly at the heart of the Arsenal defence, whirling and twisting like a Python on speed. He went past 4 Arsenal players before lashing home into the roof of the net from the tightest of angles. What made this goal even more special was that Giggs removed his shirt in pure celebratory ecstasy, revealing that he actually had a chest full of pubic hair, wonderful.
4Hernan Crespo - AC Milan v Liverpool - 2005 - Champions League
This is personally my favourite goal of all time. I know AC Milan ended up losing the game, and it will raise a few eyebrows that this is included (it will raise our one readers eyebrows), i just think its the most beautiful goal ever scored. A wonderful turn from Kaka inside his own half before bending a quite literally inch perfect ball around the despairing Jamie Carragher, and into the path of Hernan Crespo, who dinks the ball over Dudek's head and into the empty net. The finish was so perfect that it actually dislodged 200 hairs on Dudek's head as it tantalisingly skimmed over him. I could watch this goal all day long.
3Marco Van Basten - Netherlands V USSR - Euro 88
Perennial stoners and prostitution loving jokers of Europe, The Netherlands, must have been wondering when they would win a trophy. Having come so close previously with players of the calibre of Johan Cruyff, they had every right to think that their time had passed. But in 1988, out of the shadows, came a side that would finally end their hoodoo. Ruud Gullit, with his long floppy dreadlocks, long skinny legs and long long penis, was the catalyst for the Dutch in their Euro 88 campaign, driving forward from midfield to both create and score. But the final against USSR will only ever be remembered for one thing. With Van Basten lurking in the box, a cross from the left was dreadfully overhit. Anyone else would have let the ball run out and then called their team mate a twat, but Van Basten remained interested. He followed the flight of the ball and unleashed a volley from a quite obnoxious angle, straight into the top corner. One of those goals that has to be seen to be believed, as did Gullit's penis.
2Zinedine Zidane - Real Madrid V Bayer Leverkusen - 2002 - Champions League
Zinedine Zidane is an idol of ours here at GITG. As balding men, its incredibly uplifting to see a man with similar hairline issues being so successful. We also like Stone Cold Steve Austin, Donald Trump, Homer Simpson and Vladimir Putin.
I'll set the scene, Roberto Carlos is thundering down the left flank, the ball is bouncing, he hooks it hopefully into the box. The ball is dropping from a tremendous height. Zidane watches it all the way, like a hawk, and swings his weaker left foot at it in a delightful arc, almost as if he's trying to paint a rainbow with his toe. It flies into the top corner. One of the greatest players of all time scoring one of the greatest goals of all time, beaten only by one......
1 Brian McClair - Manchester United V Sheffield Wednesday
Sometimes in football, the stars will align and create something so special, so breathtakingly wonderful, that you'll actually shed a tear. Every time I see this goal I weep. Its such an inconceivably beautiful goal. The ball is played into Giggs in the box, who turns incisively and plays it into the path of the onrushing Bryan Robson. Robson jinks onto his left foot and delicately chips the keeper......in fact, just watch it, its indescribable by its nature. Brian McClair, the world of Football will forever be in your debt.
This week's one to watch: Malmö FF vs Celtic 25th August 2015 19:45 BT Sport
While most Scottish thirty-somethings were at home spending time with the grandkids, Scott Brown led an experienced Celtic team to victory against Swedish side Malmö FF who are enjoying their second consecutive run among Europe’s elite (and Celtic.)
A dear friend of mine is a hardcore Malmö FF fan and, looking at my prediction earlier in the week for this game, it’s safe to say none of his knowledge has rubbed off on me. Although Malmö on their day are an extremely exciting and prolific side in front of goal, I predicted Celtic would use their experience, physicality and canniness to really choke life out the game, like Charlie Adam did Sanchez. 1-0 Celtic, I thought. And although there was only one goal in it metaphorically speaking, the preceding 90 minutes were far from lifeless.
The problem with Swedes (a sentence you hear so often..) is they’re a bit nice. Their people have a sweet playful disposition which from the point of view of a hateful Briton could be construed as a naïvety or a fragility. This was arguably demonstrated in Malmö FF goalkeeper, Johan Wiland’s, post-match comments: ‘They are pigs, all of them.’
One can only imagine the mixture of disgust and concern running through their pretty little heads as Scotland’s only team fired home a goal after just 120 seconds of play. It was a ferocious start from the hosts, and Åge Hareide’s men were left wondering how Odin could have given life to such alarmingly barbarous and malnourished creatures. Then, just 7 minutes later, Nir Bitton headed home a Stefan Johansen cross to make it 2-0.
Malmö started the second half, as did Celtic, and managed to pull one back, only to concede 10 minutes later at the hands (head) of Leigh Griffiths.The score remained 3-1 until the 90’ minute when the ever industrious Inge slotted home his close range effort following a late Malmö corner.
Inge's goal has kept Malmö in a tie that was all but over before it had began (which is impossible as we have discussed in a previous post.)The tie is now beautifully poised, Malmö have a lifeline and a second chance, an opportunity to give a fair account of themselves.
Knowing they need nothing but a win this time around, we will hopefully see the Malmö we all know and love, playing direct, fast attacking football without inhibition. Furthermore, the Swedbank Stadion faithful are enough to make Palace fans look like the tedious middle-class embarrassments they are. And they’re not used to seeing their side lose. Reigning domestic champions Malmö have won their last three Allsvenskan fixtures, all at home, scoring a total of 7 goals in the process.
In truth it could go either way which is what makes the prospect of this return leg so exciting. Celtic will of course be looking to call upon all of their experience and childish shirt pulling to see this one out. However, Malmö at home is a daunting proposition for any team, particularly one operating within the fine margins Celtic now find themselves. If Malmö and their fans can quickly get used to the sight, smell and tactics of the Celtic players - players who according to Malmö defender Rasmus Bentgsson, 'talk too much' - I believe Malmö have every chance to overwhelm their godless visitors and drive them from their fair city; prevailing reports will read more like a passage from The Book of Revlations; a war in heaven (Malmö), in which the angels (Malmö FF) banish the devil and his fallen angels (Deila and Celtic FC) to hell (Scotland.) Alright?
We all know Chelsea fans are the worst human beings on the planet, but I wanted to know why. I wanted to get inside their inner workings and find out what makes them tick, what it is to truly be one of the worst people. I actually just wanted to spam a couple Facebook groups with a GITG video of Mourinho blanking a fan, it's hilarious, have you seen it? This is my week as a Chelsea fan.
In February of this yeara handful of bad prats prevented a blackened Frenchman from boarding a train. Fifteen years had passed since Donal Macintyre infiltrated the infamous Chelsea Headhunters and executed them one by one, and Chelsea FC was enjoying a new revamped multicultural branding, one without boarders or history. But this shameful episode echoed so many before it.As did the game that night echo every Chelsea match in that it was shit and a draw.
Were these train cunts a minor blip in brand Chelsea's road to global plasticity? Or something more sinister? Were they a reminder, like that of a cancer in the bones of an old lush, a reminder that in spite of their "work done", their core was as decrepit and poisoned as ever? Why not.
And what better way to truly get to know someone or a group of people on an intimate and meaningful basis than Facebook. After several minutes searching I came across my floor and then once I finished watching dog pornography I stumbled upon a Chelsea Supporters group on Facebook. Jackpot I thought, and after I finished gambling online I clicked back on to Facebook. Lolz.
This is it, no turning back. Heart in my mouth, my mouse hovered, my cat hoovered, and then, I did it. 'Join.' I had entered the lion's den.
Several nerve racking hours went by following my request. And then those 8 little letters flashed up on my screen ’Accepted.’ But joining a group is the easy part, now I would need to ingratiate myself, earn these people’s trust, their respect. I rehearsed lines in my head like, “Dennis Wise is good,” and, “Hurrah, we [Chelsea] scored!” If I was to be truly accepted I had to get this right. In true Macintyre fashion I donned a Chelsea transfer on my right arm with warm water and a flannel and set my keyboard to 'Scottish.’
However, nothing could prepare me for what was on the other side..
Before I could say, “filha da puta,” I froze. Had I come to the right place? Instead of being greeted by such notorious characters as Terrence Matthews and Jason Marriner, names like ‘Moses Otunga’, ‘Daude Jumbe’ and ‘Chrispus Aubry Agona’ met my gaze. ‘Issa Busigo’, ‘Ndaluza Benedict Themu II’, African names with matching faces as far as I could scroll. I suddenly felt vulnerable, exposed. If Chelsea fans were racist I was in trouble.
I composed myself, feeling slightly embarrassed by my tattoo. But hang on a minute, the admin would have seen that I didn’t look like a typical Chelsea fan, my pasty white complexion being a dead give away. Why would he accept my request? Unless it was a trap. Or, unless Chelsea fans weren’t hateful racists after all? I decided to sit back and observe.
The proceeding sequence of posts were probably the maddest things I have ever read.
And then this happened:
Sharing such intimate events in one's personal life over Facebook would be unthinkable for the average non-Chelsea fan. Particularly one as painful as this. But then you only had to read the comments to understand why. All 470 of them.
Everything I thought I knew bout Chelsea fans went out the window. Here was a true community, one built on shared interest, love and support for both for a football team and each other. And it didn't stop there:
I felt humbled to have been accepted without hesitation, without prejudice, into a group who were as mad as they were unconditionally nice. How could such an inclusive fanbase be so criminally misrepresented, I wondered. Chelsea fans aren’t racist, how could they be? If Chelsea fans accepted me, a belligerent white middle-class prat, then they’d accept anyone. And if anyone tells you otherwise they’re a liars. Perhaps if we all behaved like Chelsea fans the world would be a better place?Food for thought.
It was apparent that I had stumbled into something truly lovely. Unfortunately the thought of being associated with anything to do with Chelsea FC made me feel physically sick. So I left.
Your favourite GITG authors Kyle and Max in the first (and probably last) Gits In The Game football podcast!
This week we discuss the many the lives of Nacer Chadli, Micah Richard's smile and why you should never invite Tim Sherwood a wedding.
Apologies for the background noise, it was recorded in less than ideal conditions, but as this is only a demo I'm sure you'll get over it. If you still can't look past this then you were probably born in the 2000's and your opinion is literally worthless. Contains swearing and drivel.
More to come including special guests and studio-like sound quality (honest!)
We would like to thank readers for their patience and feel we should explain our absence. GITG has been on hiatus following the death of our editor-in-chief, Bernie Mack.
Bernie Mack, who has died aged 64, was best known for his spell as Welling United’s kit man in the 1980s. Bernie oversaw (although was in no way responsible for) the club's most successful period to date. In his time at the club Bernie watched his beloved Wings progress to the Southern Football League Southern Division in 1981, before soaring to the Football Conference after winning the 1985/86 league title by 23 points. Bernie left the club on the debut of Welling United’s first black player.
In 1991 Bernie became sports writer for local newspaper The Bexley Packet. His insider knowledge and “old fashioned” worldview meant that Bernie Mack became a household name in white homes across South East London. It was because of the former that we approached Bernie to be Gits In The Game editor-in-chief. Bernie enjoyed two wonderful years at GITG, his quirky off-colour humour and profound learning disabilities helped make GITG what it is today.
Every month GITG runs the GITG Reader Of The Month award, a moment to celebrate and give thanks to the tens of readers whom make doing all this worth while.
This month, the award goes to a very special individual. There are some moments in a young football writer's (ed: young?) life when doubts can creep in; when uncertainty clouds, and questions like, why are you still doing this?, why don't you focus on your actual career?, and, you do realise your girlfriend hates you now, right?, chip away at your self belief. But then, you come across a reader who makes it all worth while. A reader who makes you realise why you got in to this in the first place. A reader who makes you fall in love with sports writing all over again. Yes, this month's GITG Reader Of The Month award goes to an individual whose loyalty and support is without question the most sincere we have felt for a long time, whose input has inspired us and motivated us to pursue our dream.
Congratulations, JD Nicolás Loyola, you are GITG Reader Of The Month February 2015!
All winners receive a lifetime subscription to GITG, a hardback copy of the GITGBumper Annual, and a signed photograph* of the writers.
I’m not entirely sure how to start this one. The match was essentially a game of one half (the 2nd), so much so I’ve pretty much written this backwards (I don’t mean sat facing the wall behind me) so forgive the slightly lack lustre opening AN APT METAPHOR FOR HOW THIS MATCH BEGAN AND HE’S BAAACK.
New Aston Villa boss, Tim Sherwood, watched from the stands as his boys overcame equally as retarded opposition Leicester City to reach the FA Cup quarter finals.
If anyone was in any doubt as to why both sides are in the drop zone then the first half of this clash surely put an end any uncertainty. Literally nothing happened. Leicester City’s Marcin Wasilewsky - who looks like he’s escaped from prison or the set of a porno set in a prison - hit the post, while Villa’s Christian Benteke loitered in midfield possibly in an attempt to pass to himself.
Tim Sherwood, not one for keeping his opinions to himself, made an impromptu visit to the home dressing room at half time in an attempt to right a very woeful first half. While some may see Randy Lerner’s appointment of Sherwood like putting a kamikaze pilot in charge of the Titanic, Sherwood's words of wisdom appeared to have the desired effect on, well, both sides, oddly.
Villa began the half with far more conviction which forced Leicester to give a good account of themselves. Which to be fair to them they have done for most of the season, except in the scoring/not being relegated department. The rejuvenated restart proved more than hot air from Villa when in the 67’ minute Leandro Bacuna cut inside and whipped it into the right hand corner; a fantastic finish that wouldn’t look out of place coming from any team other than Villa. Or Leicester.
Leicester City responded positively; just a minute later the Foxes won a corner and Leonardo Ulloa’s header was blocked. Leicester found their gear and piled on the pressure, Riyad Majrez had his right footed shot from inside the box saved, Andrej Kramaric’s header from the left side of the box sailed just over, and Esteban Cambiasso’s 79’ minute free kicked flew embarrassingly high.
As ever, their admirable advances proved impotent and were punctuated all the while by Aston Villa counter attacks. In spite of the Foxes’ best efforts, it was Villa who looked most likely to score, a rejuvenated Benteke was playing higher up the pitch and offered several attempts, and Andreas Weimann had his goal adjudged offside. Then in the 89’ minute, assisted by Benteke, Manchester City loanee, Scott Sinclair, pinged a right footed shot that was fumbled into the net by Leicester goalkeeper, Mark Schwarzer. Villa had scored their 17th goal in all competitions.
Leicester City record signing, Andrej Kramaric, replied 31” seconds later with a fantastic headed finish assisted by Jeffrey Schlupp, a 1950s Jewish sweet shop owner. But it was too little too late.
Final score: Aston Villa 2 - 1 Leicester City
What next?
Both teams lurk bottom table like two middle aged men scouring the periphery of a swingers party waiting for an ‘in.’ Who will make that leap of faith? It’s hard to say, if today’s result was anything to go by then obviously Villa. Sherwood appears to be the blue pill Villa were looking for to pep them into life. And why wouldn’t he be? His batshit style of play (see our December 2013 article: http://gitsinthegame.blogspot.co.uk/2013/12/sherwood-gets-nod-as-levy-campaigns-for.html) coupled with his enthusiasm and total disregard for the party line is an exciting prospect for anyone who isn’t directly accountable of his actions.
Furthermore, Sherwood’s record at Tottenham is underrated to say the least. His win percentage of 59.09% was the highest of any Tottenham manager in the Premier League. Yet he was sacked for being too not foreign enough.
Despite the positive stuff, it’s been clear to everyone, except Lambert, that Villa are sorely lacking creativity in midfield. Tom Cleverly appears incapable of passing it anywhere but sideways (ed: he’d suit Man Utd down to the ground then.) Sherwood obviously instructed his midfielders to ping the ball at Benteke’s throat in the second half to save the forward having to come look for it, which worked to great affect in a very Sherwood-y way.
However, this make-do-and-mend approach (ed: he’s only been in charge an hour) may blag you a few results, but if Villa have any hope of keeping above water come the summer Sherwood will surely need to address his side’s creative shortcomings. Why don’t you leave suggestions for possible midfield signings in the comments section? Be nice to get at least one comment, been doing this long enough.
As for Leicester, they haven’t got a hope while that maniac is in charge.
The big talking point from The Premier Leagues annual Pay-Per-View event 'White Hart Pain', was a devastating chokeslam from ex PE teacher and soon to be sacked mentalist Nigel 'Nige' Pearson.
It was the opening match of the annual event held at White Hart Lane. As the lucky 38,000 ticket holders made their way up the Tottenham High Road, past a world record number of Ghanaian barbers, Turkish off licenses and Grime, the opening match was ending almost before it had begun (which is impossible).
The stands weren't even half full at the time, but Pearson wasn't phased. McArthur had started the match on the front foot, hammering hundreds of square passes at Pearson's shins, which had clearly taken its toll, as one of Pearson's Hi Tec trainers had flown into the front row. But Pearson bounced back, he confused McArthur by demanding he 'run around in his pants due to bringing the wrong kit' and struck a devastating chokeslam whilst McArthur was still deciding if he had just been sexually assaulted or not. Referee Andy Phelan counted to 3, and the opening match of the event was done and dusted, much like Pearson's managerial career will be, or has been, depending on time of printing.
The second brawl was a Tables, Ladders and Hair Match between afro'd trickster 'Bad Will' Willian, and permed thug 'Bone Marrow' Marouane Fellaini. The match was refereed by aging swoon boat David Ginola and had the crowd on their feet from the off. Fellaini hit his devastating special move 'Backing into an on coming defender whilst the ball is in the air and pretending you didn't mean to elbow them', before Willian recovered and hit back with his finisher, the 'unnecessary stepover'. The match went to and fro like this for around 10 minutes, before Fellaini grabbed a ladder and hit Willian in the wind pipe (the softest challenge of his career.) David Ginola counted to 3, and the dreadful Fellaini was booed all the way back to Graham Webb in Bexleyheath (he had a 4 o clock with Stacey.)
The next fight on the card was a 'Bell In A Cell Match' between perennial media cunt Robbie Savage and vicious bouncer hater Joey 'Jailbird' Barton (who felt absolutely at home behind the bars).
Barton kicked the living shit out of Savage for 8 minutes straight, which was hilarious. When I say 'kicked the shit out of' I literally mean he was kicking him in the head for 8 minutes. It got a bit hard to watch after a while, but the crowd absolutely loved it. Barton won by TKO due to Savage's head being almost completely and utterly 'caved in', which brought a huge cheer from the capacity crowd. In a touching show of Sportsmanship, Barton gave his blood splattered boots to a lucky disabled child in the front row. It certainly shows how much respect you've garnered from the general public when they are enjoying watching you get beaten up, by Joey Barton. Savage is so conceited that he thought the crowd were cheering for his haircut. It took him 15 minutes to come round and when he did he was muttering about 'not having enough buttons on his shirt' to the poor Wardrobe girl, all whilst his earlobes were hanging off.
The night continued with a bizarre clash between two of the leagues old boys. Emile Heskey and Joe Cole squared off in a 'Handicapped Match'. Heskey started sharply by asking if Cole could 'Stop looking at him sideways because he didn't know how to count to Potato'
Cole hit back by eating an entire pack of uncooked 'Jus-Roll' Puff Pastry and vomiting on a small child. The match then descended into something of a stalemate. The two competitors were locked in a trance as someone in the crowd shined a laser pen on the turf between them. Heskey won the match by submission shortly after, crushing Joe Cole with his 'death grip' after Cole requested a 'quick hug'. Heskey was heard screaming 'I didn't mean to kill Mr Jingles, I just wanted to stroke him' as he was lead off towards the electric chair, I mean his changing room.
Jack Wilshere retained his 'Fag Team Title' by beating Ex Blackburn Snoutman and scary looking Turkish greaseball, Tugay. Wilshere's younger lungs obviously too much for Tugay to handle, as he went down by 36 Marlboro Reds to 12.
In the main event, Michael Owen and Niall Quinn faced off in the 'Rhetorical Rumble'. The winner being the competitor that throws his opponent over the top rope, by answering as many of his own questions as he can, whilst being neutral, boring and basically confusing.
Quinn opened on the attack with 'I think, possibly, Drogba may have to be brought on because he is reasonably good in the air is he not?'
Owen responded with 'I think he may have gone down too easily there don't you? Because I think he has possibly hardly been touched'
Again the match went on, blow for blow, until Owen unleashed a finisher that was so devastating, it sent Quinn hurtling over the top rope like a strange gangly unintelligent Irish man who knows nothing about football even though he was a professional player and club owner for a career spanning over 20 years.
'I think the possibility of that being a penalty is different for the striker when the defender acts like he does don't you think? I think if he thinks he is going down then he should really make more of it because he doesn't do the foul any justice really does he? I think that's what I think, maybe?'
Quinn exploded over the top rope leaving Owen to bask in the adulation of the crowd. But what's this? Alan Shearer's entrance music is playing (Fog On The Tyne). Shearer is cashing in his 'Money In The Bank' title shot. He's challenging Owen to a 'fence sitting showdown' at CommentateMania in March, will Owen accept the challenge? We'll keep you up to date with all the developments, as and when they happen.
