The big talking point from The Premier Leagues annual Pay-Per-View event 'White Hart Pain', was a devastating chokeslam from ex PE teacher and soon to be sacked mentalist Nigel 'Nige' Pearson.
It was the opening match of the annual event held at White Hart Lane. As the lucky 38,000 ticket holders made their way up the Tottenham High Road, past a world record number of Ghanaian barbers, Turkish off licenses and Grime, the opening match was ending almost before it had begun (which is impossible).
The stands weren't even half full at the time, but Pearson wasn't phased. McArthur had started the match on the front foot, hammering hundreds of square passes at Pearson's shins, which had clearly taken its toll, as one of Pearson's Hi Tec trainers had flown into the front row. But Pearson bounced back, he confused McArthur by demanding he 'run around in his pants due to bringing the wrong kit' and struck a devastating chokeslam whilst McArthur was still deciding if he had just been sexually assaulted or not. Referee Andy Phelan counted to 3, and the opening match of the event was done and dusted, much like Pearson's managerial career will be, or has been, depending on time of printing.
The second brawl was a Tables, Ladders and Hair Match between afro'd trickster 'Bad Will' Willian, and permed thug 'Bone Marrow' Marouane Fellaini. The match was refereed by aging swoon boat David Ginola and had the crowd on their feet from the off. Fellaini hit his devastating special move 'Backing into an on coming defender whilst the ball is in the air and pretending you didn't mean to elbow them', before Willian recovered and hit back with his finisher, the 'unnecessary stepover'. The match went to and fro like this for around 10 minutes, before Fellaini grabbed a ladder and hit Willian in the wind pipe (the softest challenge of his career.) David Ginola counted to 3, and the dreadful Fellaini was booed all the way back to Graham Webb in Bexleyheath (he had a 4 o clock with Stacey.)
The next fight on the card was a 'Bell In A Cell Match' between perennial media cunt Robbie Savage and vicious bouncer hater Joey 'Jailbird' Barton (who felt absolutely at home behind the bars).
Barton kicked the living shit out of Savage for 8 minutes straight, which was hilarious. When I say 'kicked the shit out of' I literally mean he was kicking him in the head for 8 minutes. It got a bit hard to watch after a while, but the crowd absolutely loved it. Barton won by TKO due to Savage's head being almost completely and utterly 'caved in', which brought a huge cheer from the capacity crowd. In a touching show of Sportsmanship, Barton gave his blood splattered boots to a lucky disabled child in the front row. It certainly shows how much respect you've garnered from the general public when they are enjoying watching you get beaten up, by Joey Barton. Savage is so conceited that he thought the crowd were cheering for his haircut. It took him 15 minutes to come round and when he did he was muttering about 'not having enough buttons on his shirt' to the poor Wardrobe girl, all whilst his earlobes were hanging off.
The night continued with a bizarre clash between two of the leagues old boys. Emile Heskey and Joe Cole squared off in a 'Handicapped Match'.
Heskey started sharply by asking if Cole could 'Stop looking at him sideways because he didn't know how to count to Potato'
Cole hit back by eating an entire pack of uncooked 'Jus-Roll' Puff Pastry and vomiting on a small child. The match then descended into something of a stalemate. The two competitors were locked in a trance as someone in the crowd shined a laser pen on the turf between them. Heskey won the match by submission shortly after, crushing Joe Cole with his 'death grip' after Cole requested a 'quick hug'. Heskey was heard screaming 'I didn't mean to kill Mr Jingles, I just wanted to stroke him' as he was lead off towards the electric chair, I mean his changing room.
Jack Wilshere retained his 'Fag Team Title' by beating Ex Blackburn Snoutman and scary looking Turkish greaseball, Tugay.
Wilshere's younger lungs obviously too much for Tugay to handle, as he went down by 36 Marlboro Reds to 12.
In the main event, Michael Owen and Niall Quinn faced off in the 'Rhetorical Rumble'.
The winner being the competitor that throws his opponent over the top rope, by answering as many of his own questions as he can, whilst being neutral, boring and basically confusing.
Quinn opened on the attack with 'I think, possibly, Drogba may have to be brought on because he is reasonably good in the air is he not?'
Owen responded with 'I think he may have gone down too easily there don't you? Because I think he has possibly hardly been touched'
Again the match went on, blow for blow, until Owen unleashed a finisher that was so devastating, it sent Quinn hurtling over the top rope like a strange gangly unintelligent Irish man who knows nothing about football even though he was a professional player and club owner for a career spanning over 20 years.
'I think the possibility of that being a penalty is different for the striker when the defender acts like he does don't you think? I think if he thinks he is going down then he should really make more of it because he doesn't do the foul any justice really does he? I think that's what I think, maybe?'
Quinn exploded over the top rope leaving Owen to bask in the adulation of the crowd. But what's this? Alan Shearer's entrance music is playing (Fog On The Tyne). Shearer is cashing in his 'Money In The Bank' title shot. He's challenging Owen to a 'fence sitting showdown' at CommentateMania in March, will Owen accept the challenge? We'll keep you up to date with all the developments, as and when they happen.
GITG
Barton kicked the living shit out of Savage for 8 minutes straight, which was hilarious. When I say 'kicked the shit out of' I literally mean he was kicking him in the head for 8 minutes. It got a bit hard to watch after a while, but the crowd absolutely loved it. Barton won by TKO due to Savage's head being almost completely and utterly 'caved in', which brought a huge cheer from the capacity crowd. In a touching show of Sportsmanship, Barton gave his blood splattered boots to a lucky disabled child in the front row. It certainly shows how much respect you've garnered from the general public when they are enjoying watching you get beaten up, by Joey Barton. Savage is so conceited that he thought the crowd were cheering for his haircut. It took him 15 minutes to come round and when he did he was muttering about 'not having enough buttons on his shirt' to the poor Wardrobe girl, all whilst his earlobes were hanging off.The night continued with a bizarre clash between two of the leagues old boys. Emile Heskey and Joe Cole squared off in a 'Handicapped Match'.
Heskey started sharply by asking if Cole could 'Stop looking at him sideways because he didn't know how to count to Potato'
Wilshere's younger lungs obviously too much for Tugay to handle, as he went down by 36 Marlboro Reds to 12.
In the main event, Michael Owen and Niall Quinn faced off in the 'Rhetorical Rumble'.
The winner being the competitor that throws his opponent over the top rope, by answering as many of his own questions as he can, whilst being neutral, boring and basically confusing.
Quinn opened on the attack with 'I think, possibly, Drogba may have to be brought on because he is reasonably good in the air is he not?'
Owen responded with 'I think he may have gone down too easily there don't you? Because I think he has possibly hardly been touched'
Again the match went on, blow for blow, until Owen unleashed a finisher that was so devastating, it sent Quinn hurtling over the top rope like a strange gangly unintelligent Irish man who knows nothing about football even though he was a professional player and club owner for a career spanning over 20 years.
'I think the possibility of that being a penalty is different for the striker when the defender acts like he does don't you think? I think if he thinks he is going down then he should really make more of it because he doesn't do the foul any justice really does he? I think that's what I think, maybe?'Quinn exploded over the top rope leaving Owen to bask in the adulation of the crowd. But what's this? Alan Shearer's entrance music is playing (Fog On The Tyne). Shearer is cashing in his 'Money In The Bank' title shot. He's challenging Owen to a 'fence sitting showdown' at CommentateMania in March, will Owen accept the challenge? We'll keep you up to date with all the developments, as and when they happen.
GITG
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