Moyes Takes Leaf Out of Trump’s Book as Fans Call For Him to be Sectioned

Sunderland manager, David Moyes, has mirrored US President Donald Trump in planning the erection of an enormous wall, and is refusing to stump up the cash to pay for it.

Whilst Donald Trump’s motivation is racism, Moyes’ is somewhat different. He has been spotted giving blueprints to a North East builder, in which a red brick wall is built around the entirety of both Stadium of Light goalmouths. Moyes had this to say;

‘Obviously Donald has his own agenda, not one I particularly agree with, but the technical side of his proposed policy is something that has really impressed me’.

‘He wants to keep Mexicans out; I want to keep goals out.’

When quizzed about the funding of the wall, Moyes replied aggressively;

‘I think I’m well within my rights to make Manchester United stump up the £700 this would cost. I was well respected until they sacked me, now I have to watch Jordan Pickford half break his back every week picking balls out of our net’.

The press conference then spiralled into somewhat of a farce, with our GITG correspondent spotting a flaw in Moyes’ plan.

‘You do realise David, if you build a wall in both goalmouths, you may not concede any more goals, but you also won’t score any. And if I’m being brutally honest I can’t see you staying up if you draw every home game left in your season 0-0’.

At this moment Moyes angrily flipped the table, exposing his outfit. He was wearing a crop top, stockings, suspenders and a pair of Umbro Bombers’

‘WHAT ELSE CAN I DO?’ screeched Moyes. ‘I’VE GONE HALF MAD HERE, WATCHING DJILOBODJI TRY TO MARK A CENTRE FORWARD IS LIKE TRYING TO PLAY DARTS WITH NO HANDS. IM JUST BEING REALISTIC AND 8 POINTS IS BETTER THAN FUCK ALL’

‘IF YOU THINK COUNTING TO POTATO IS EASY THEN YOU GO AHEAD AND FUCKING OPEN THE FRIDGE SON’ screamed Moyes as he jumped onto a tandem bike by himself and sped off.

Moyes plan came to fruition with a 0-0 stalemate against Tottenham last night, moving the Black Cats up to 16 points. He was spotted on the touchline with a 9 iron, chipping golf balls towards one of the corner flags whilst Defoe rattled a last minute penalty, which would have won the game for Sunderland, straight into the wall in front of the north stand. At half time some local youths graffiti’d SECTION MOYES on both walls, echoing the thoughts of everyone in attendance.

GITG 

Managers Adopt Stunning New Post Match Team Talk Method

Post match team talks after a poor result were always one of the toughest part of a football manager's job. But not anymore, perhaps.

That's because more and more managers have decided to outsource this duty, with the results of this new method speaking for themselves. Outsourced to who though? Who other than the manager or a coach could find the right words after you have just suffered a 3-0 reverse at home to Port Vale?

I introduce Colin Thorpe. Who? I'll tell you who. Colin, a forty-five year old plumber from Mansfield, put a tenner of his hard-earned money from easily manipulated pensioners on a ten fold accumulator at his local bookmakers back in October last year. With nine of the teams winning, it was only the tenth - Bristol Rovers - who let him down, losing miserably at home to Peterborough. In a ground-breaking new method, Rovers manager Darrell Clarke had him flown in immediately after the game. Midfielder Billy Bodin told us what happened:

"It was weird as we were sitting in the dressing room for nearly an hour and a half after the game and there was no sign of the gaffer. All of a sudden a bald bloke stormed in, nearly taking the door off it's hinges and just flew into a rage saying that we cost him 7 grand or something"

Bodin then told us how it started to turn sour. "He glassed our young full back" he says shaking his head. "Blind in one eye now....but I guess if you lose your man from a set piece you have to deal with the consequences." Bodin spoke on how this passionate act of fury from Mr Thorpe helped spur them on. "We apologised to him. I can't imagine the pain he has been through because of us. He is so brave for carrying on. In fact, I think he put another bet on the day after which shows unbelievable courage. His resilience is truly inspiring so we promised to win the next game for him." And they did.

After news of the success spread, more and more managers adopted the method. Barnet players were left stunned when Gary 'Toddy' Todd burst into the dressing room after a scoreless draw with Crewe a few weeks later. Just needing a Barnet goal for 22 grand, Toddy was invited in to share his thoughts on the game, which saw him running at club captain Michael Nelson with a chainsaw and calling a 17-year-old who had just made his debut a 'rotten coward'. "Toddy certainly was well within his rights to do what he did. I would do the same." said Nelson philosophically. "I mean, I thought it was a good point after the game considering we were down to 10 men and playing a team unbeaten in six, but Toddy didn't see it that way." Barnet travelled down to Plymouth 3 days later, winning 2-0.

A recent fatality after a Doncaster game earlier this month left many questioning the method, however. I will leave you with an eye witness account of the sorry tale:

"We had just won the game with our best performance of the season. We were fantastic but our striker had missed a late penalty. We thought nothing of it as we were already 2-0 up, but after the game a rather scary man appeared in our dressing room with an axe and just hacked him to death in front of all us. He was screaming and shouting throughout but all I could make out was something like 'over 2.5 goals'....and then, just like that, he was gone".

GITG 

Kidnapped Wizard to Blame For Lack of F.A. Cup Magic

Picture the harrowing scene; Nigel, the wizard accused of causing FA Cup upsets, is tied up in a disused warehouse. Bloodied, battered and with high voltage electrodes all over his body, he is shown live images of his wizard family being shot in the face on a screen in front of him.

‘ADMIT IT, IT WAS YOU WASN’T IT?’ shouts a balaclava-clad thug, referring to Oxford United beating Swansea 3-2 in the F.A Cup in 2016.

A determined Nigel sticks to his guns – ‘I’m saying nothing’ he says defiantly, spluttering blood from his now toothless mouth.

‘WHAT ABOUT WHEN WIMBLEDON WON IT, THAT HAD YOU WRITTEN ALL OVER IT YOU WIZARDY LITTLE CUNT’ rants the thug, now becoming manically distressed. 'Right' he says with a suddenly sinister calm in his voice 'I didn't want to have to do this but you've left me no choice'. He then brings out a Pixie, handcuffed, with smudged mascara all over her face. 'Polly? Is that you?' asks a worried Nigel. 'Don't you dare lay a fing-NOOOOOOOOOOOO'

For most pundits, this is genuinely what they believe; ignoring all logic, the most famousest bestest cup competition in the whole wide world is sprinkled by magic dust and this - and only this - enables an in-form League 1 team to win a one-off game against a second string Stoke City. Magic, of course. Not hard-work, discipline, skill or even good fortune, but magic.

But not this season. As Nigel was having his toe nails pulled off the F.A Cup was chugging along without major incident. Moronic pundits sat open-mouthed and speechless as Crystal Palace beat Bolton and Southampton dispatched Norwich. ' But, how? It can't...why? I really....expected an upset tonight' sobs a petulant Ian Wright, tears in his ex-con eyes.

But then something truly marvellous happened. Lincoln City scored a late winner against Ipswich in their replay to cause an upset. Crowds gathered in the street to celebrate the news and Lincoln City fans had a new hero. No, not the manager, the coaches and definitely not the players. 'It was Nigel' said one fan. 'We owe him everything'.

Unfortunately, Nigel lives his life at constant risk of being kidnapped. 'Usually gamblers' he responds, when asked who frighten him the most. 'They put bankers on for F.A Cup week and I have to make myself scarce'.

'I miss Polly a lot, she was my world' he adds.

A tough life for one brave wizard. I'll tell you one thing for free; if Wigan beat United on Saturday then I'll make the little freak pay.

GITG

Worm Digitally Harassed After Auto-correct Trolling

The world’s best worm is being swarmed with emails and social networking posts as auto-correct claims another victim.

‘Soily John’, 2 months old, from the Lake District, Cumbria, has contacted Apple regarding a possible update to their ‘auto-correct’ system.  It seems that every time someone uses their iPhone to search for ‘West Brom’, the Midlands based football team; the phrase is automatically changed to ‘Best Worm’.

Whilst this would seem like pointless news to most, it’s the opposite for Soily John.  At the recent ‘Bug Baftas’, John was awarded the ‘Best Worm in the World’ award, due to his distinct ‘shimmering skin’ and patented ‘figure of 8’ soil digging technique.

‘At first it didn’t bother me, sobbed John, ‘it was actually really good exposure, but now it’s just becoming a burden’

John has received over 8,000 emails from West Brom fans trying to renew their season tickets, and has been tagged on Instagram, Facebook and Twitter over 2,000 times a day for the last month with the hashtag #BestWorm. Some examples have been listed below

Great ball in from Brunt there #BestWorm

Tony Pulis looks like an owl that’s flown through sports direct #BestWorm

Where has Saido Berahino actually gone? #BestWorm  

Naturally, the tweet involving the owl, an earthworm’s greatest threat, is being treated as a hate crime.

West Bromwich Albion recently reached out to John and offered him a patch of soil at the Hawthorns, along with a signed Rondon shirt.  Apple refused to comment on the story but are reportedly ‘looking into it’.  Soily John is said to be pursuing compensation, if he survives the winter without being cut in half by a child with a shovel.

GITG 

Trickster Mourinho Quietly Ruining United

‘THE OLD UNITED ARE BACK!!’ screeched an illiterate journalist working for daily celebrity magazine The Sun after the come-from-behind victory a few weeks back. It was against Middlesbrough, a club whose name even suggests they are nothing more than average. 

‘But two late goals, mummy?'

'Just like Ferguson used to do, mummy?’ 

‘Mummy? Mum?’ – Wind your neck in Toddy, even mummy knows this is utter bollocks.

For all of us balanced human beings, the fact is United have been poor this season. Yet for some reason everyone is convinced that Mourinho is doing a great job. I can just see the headlines: ‘MOURINHO INCREDIBLY STEERS UNITED TO SIXTH PLACE AFTER SPENDING 200 MILLION!!’. What a legend.

After outspending the whole league in the Summer and winning 3 games on the bounce (against Bournemouth, Southampton and Hull) Mourinho stated in his own brand of gobshitey arrogance that he of course is intending to win the league and had a dig at any manager who isn’t aiming to do so. And who could blame him? The brilliant Pogba was brought to inject the pace and energy into a sluggish midfield, Mkhitaryan - a man whose name looks like someone has just angrily sweeped a Scrabble board off the table because a pissed up Auntie Sue is making up words again- was added to provide a direct goal threat from midfield and Ibrahimovic was bought to score bags of goals and be hilarious. Bailly was also brought in and all 4 have been successful to some degree, so it was a well-played transfer window from Mourinho and United.

But then they started losing. City beat them at Old Trafford and City have since been found out to be a bag of shite. Then Feyenoord and Watford beat them. Then Chelsea thrashed them. Draws at home to West Ham, Stoke and Burnley came in between. So what did Mourinho have to say now? Oh yeah, of course – his squad isn’t good enough to win the league. So there you go United fans, Mourinho was briefly swept away by stunning wins against three awful to average teams but now he can see that a team full of internationals is not capable of winning a title currently held by Leicester City. 

United are currently sitting in sixth place after spending the most money of all Premier League teams. That is a failure no matter how it is spun in the media.

What’s worse is that Mourinho is also ruining the future of the club. Martial, Rashford, Shaw, Fosu-Mensah and Andreas Pereira have all previously been tipped to lead the club into the future, but have all been marginalised to varying degrees. Reports of Rashford going to the bubble-infested running track at nightmarish club West Ham on loan were troubling, as is Martial’s obvious discontent and subsequent link with Sevilla.

In Shaw's case, when a half-arsed Darmian is playing out of position ahead of you there must be something wrong. Is it Shaw’s lack of application in training? No, in a word. So is it Mourinho being a stubborn prat? Yes, most probably. Shaw, along with Martial and Rashers were the shining lights in traumatic season for United last term, but then Mr Face Like A Smacked Arse pulls up and couldn’t possibly play anyone who displays youthful exuberance. Where is the fun in that? Martial had his squad number wrenched from him to give to a 35 year old coming in. Is he supposed to be thrilled? Imagine if your boss took your chair away and gave it to a new recruit and left you sitting on a piled up stack of paper. That is exactly the same as this, I believe, and it frankly reeks of shortsightedness and is poor management in any man’s book.

Did you see the news this weekend? Yeah of course you did – Rooney broke the record. Amazing, incredible, wonderful……oh and United drew against a poor Stoke side, managed by a confused and aggressive badger. But what about Rooney ay...

Genuinely, Mourinho does not like football. He never comments on a moment of brilliance and feels disturbed by the prospect of an entertaining game. But you can’t knock a coach who has won loads of trophies, can you? But if he keeps this up and finishes sixth then I’ll be knocking him into next fucking week*

GITG

*(ed) Not a physical threat against Mr Mourinho