GITG | WORST FREEKICKS EVER [VIDEO]

Because you've got to laugh when you fall off a sofa.




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GITG | READER OF THE MONTH AWARD

Every month GITG runs the GITG Reader Of The Month award, a moment to celebrate and give thanks to the tens of readers whom make doing all this worth while.  

This month, the award goes to a very special individual.  There are some moments in a young football writer's (ed: young?) life when doubts can creep in; when uncertainty clouds, and questions like, why are you still doing this?, why don't you focus on your actual career?, and, you do realise your girlfriend hates you now, right?, chip away at your self belief.  But then, you come across a reader who makes it all worth while.  A reader who makes you realise why you got in to this in the first place.  A reader who makes you fall in love with sports writing all over again.  Yes, this month's GITG Reader Of The Month award goes to an individual whose loyalty and support is without question the most sincere we have felt for a long time, whose input has inspired us and motivated us to pursue our dream. 

Congratulations, JD Nicolás Loyola, you are GITG Reader Of The Month February 2015!     

All winners receive a lifetime subscription to GITG, a hardback copy of the GITG Bumper Annual, and a signed photograph* of the writers. 

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*Photographs may not be of writers or decent.

FA CUP | PREMIER LEAGUE JAFFAS COME HEAD-TO-HEAD IN CUP (SO TO SPEAK)

I’m not entirely sure how to start this one.  The match was essentially a game of one half (the 2nd), so much so I’ve pretty much written this backwards (I don’t mean sat facing the wall behind me) so forgive the slightly lack lustre opening AN APT METAPHOR FOR HOW THIS MATCH BEGAN AND HE’S BAAACK.  

New Aston Villa boss, Tim Sherwood, watched from the stands as his boys overcame equally as retarded opposition Leicester City to reach the FA Cup quarter finals. 

If anyone was in any doubt as to why both sides are in the drop zone then the first half of this clash surely put an end any uncertainty.  Literally nothing happened.  Leicester City’s Marcin Wasilewsky - who looks like he’s escaped from prison or the set of a porno set in a prison - hit the post, while Villa’s Christian Benteke loitered in midfield possibly in an attempt to pass to himself. 

Tim Sherwood, not one for keeping his opinions to himself, made an impromptu visit to the home dressing room at half time in an attempt to right a very woeful first half.  While some may see Randy Lerner’s appointment of Sherwood like putting a kamikaze pilot in charge of the Titanic, Sherwood's words of wisdom appeared to have the desired effect on, well, both sides, oddly.  

Villa began the half with far more conviction which forced Leicester to give a good account of themselves.  Which to be fair to them they have done for most of the season, except in the scoring/not being relegated department.  The rejuvenated restart proved more than hot air from Villa when in the 67’ minute Leandro Bacuna cut inside and whipped it into the right hand corner; a fantastic finish that wouldn’t look out of place coming from any team other than Villa.  Or Leicester.

Leicester City responded positively; just a minute later the Foxes won a corner and Leonardo Ulloa’s header was blocked.  Leicester found their gear and piled on the pressure, Riyad Majrez had his right footed shot from inside the box saved, Andrej Kramaric’s header from the left side of the box sailed just over, and Esteban Cambiasso’s 79’ minute free kicked flew embarrassingly high.  

As ever, their admirable advances proved impotent and were punctuated all the while by Aston Villa counter attacks.  In spite of the Foxes’ best efforts, it was Villa who looked most likely to score, a rejuvenated Benteke was playing higher up the pitch and offered several attempts, and Andreas Weimann had his goal adjudged offside.  Then in the 89’ minute, assisted by Benteke, Manchester City loanee, Scott Sinclair, pinged a right footed shot that was fumbled into the net by Leicester goalkeeper, Mark Schwarzer.  Villa had scored their 17th goal in all competitions.

Leicester City record signing, Andrej Kramaric, replied 31” seconds later with a fantastic headed finish assisted by Jeffrey Schlupp, a 1950s Jewish sweet shop owner.  But it was too little too late.  

Final score:  Aston Villa  2 - 1  Leicester City    

What next?

Both teams lurk bottom table like two middle aged men scouring the periphery of a swingers party waiting for an ‘in.’  Who will make that leap of faith?  It’s hard to say, if today’s result was anything to go by then obviously Villa.  Sherwood appears to be the blue pill Villa were looking for to pep them into life.  And why wouldn’t he be?  His batshit style of play (see our December 2013 article: http://gitsinthegame.blogspot.co.uk/2013/12/sherwood-gets-nod-as-levy-campaigns-for.html) coupled with his enthusiasm and total disregard for the party line is an exciting prospect for anyone who isn’t directly accountable of his actions.

Furthermore, Sherwood’s record at Tottenham is underrated to say the least.  His win percentage of 59.09% was the highest of any Tottenham manager in the Premier League.  Yet he was sacked for being too not foreign enough.   

Despite the positive stuff, it’s been clear to everyone, except Lambert, that Villa are sorely lacking creativity in midfield.  Tom Cleverly appears incapable of passing it anywhere but sideways (ed: he’d suit Man Utd down to the ground then.)  Sherwood obviously instructed his midfielders to ping the ball at Benteke’s throat in the second half to save the forward having to come look for it, which worked to great affect in a very Sherwood-y way.  

However, this make-do-and-mend approach (ed: he’s only been in charge an hour) may blag you a few results, but if Villa have any hope of keeping above water come the summer Sherwood will surely need to address his side’s creative shortcomings.  Why don’t you leave suggestions for possible midfield signings in the comments section?  Be nice to get at least one comment, been doing this long enough.     

As for Leicester, they haven’t got a hope while that maniac is in charge.

GITG

       

MARCO REUS | THE SECRET HANDSHAKES [VIDEO]

Badman alert.

PEARSON CHOKESLAM BEATS MCARTHER IN PREMIER LEAGUE PAY-PER-VIEW 'WHITE HART PAIN'

The big talking point from The Premier Leagues annual Pay-Per-View event 'White Hart Pain', was a devastating chokeslam from ex PE teacher and soon to be sacked mentalist Nigel 'Nige' Pearson.

It was the opening match of the annual event held at White Hart Lane.  As the lucky 38,000 ticket holders made their way up the Tottenham High Road, past a world record number of Ghanaian barbers, Turkish off licenses and Grime, the opening match was ending almost before it had begun (which is impossible).

The stands weren't even half full at the time, but Pearson wasn't phased. McArthur had started the match on the front foot, hammering hundreds of square passes at Pearson's shins, which had clearly taken its toll, as one of Pearson's Hi Tec trainers had flown into the front row. But Pearson bounced back, he confused McArthur by demanding he 'run around in his pants due to bringing the wrong kit' and struck a devastating chokeslam whilst McArthur was still deciding if he had just been sexually assaulted or not. Referee Andy Phelan counted to 3, and the opening match of the event was done and dusted, much like Pearson's managerial career will be, or has been, depending on time of printing.

The second brawl was a Tables, Ladders and Hair Match between afro'd trickster 'Bad Will' Willian, and permed thug 'Bone Marrow' Marouane Fellaini. The match was refereed by aging swoon boat David Ginola and had the crowd on their feet from the off.  Fellaini hit his devastating special move 'Backing into an on coming defender whilst the ball is in the air and pretending you didn't mean to elbow them', before Willian recovered and hit back with his finisher, the 'unnecessary stepover'. The match went to and fro like this for around 10 minutes, before Fellaini grabbed a ladder and hit Willian in the wind pipe (the softest challenge of his career.) David Ginola counted to 3, and the dreadful Fellaini was booed all the way back to Graham Webb in Bexleyheath (he had a 4 o clock with Stacey.)

The next fight on the card was a 'Bell In A Cell Match' between perennial media cunt Robbie Savage and vicious bouncer hater Joey 'Jailbird' Barton (who felt absolutely at home behind the bars).

Barton kicked the living shit out of Savage for 8 minutes straight, which was hilarious. When I say 'kicked the shit out of' I literally mean he was kicking him in the head for 8 minutes. It got a bit hard to watch after a while, but the crowd absolutely loved it. Barton won by TKO due to Savage's head being almost completely and utterly 'caved in', which brought a huge cheer from the capacity crowd. In a touching show of Sportsmanship, Barton gave his blood splattered boots to a lucky disabled child in the front row. It certainly shows how much respect you've garnered from the general public when they are enjoying watching you get beaten up, by Joey Barton. Savage is so conceited that he thought the crowd were cheering for his haircut. It took him 15 minutes to come round and when he did he was muttering about 'not having enough buttons on his shirt' to the poor Wardrobe girl, all whilst his earlobes were hanging off.


The night continued with a bizarre clash between two of the leagues old boys. Emile Heskey and Joe Cole squared off in a 'Handicapped Match'. 

Heskey started sharply by asking if Cole could 'Stop looking at him sideways because he didn't know how to count to Potato'

Cole hit back by eating an entire pack of uncooked 'Jus-Roll' Puff Pastry and vomiting on a small child. The match then descended into something of a stalemate. The two competitors were locked in a trance as someone in the crowd shined a laser pen on the turf between them. Heskey won the match by submission shortly after, crushing Joe Cole with his 'death grip' after Cole requested a 'quick hug'. Heskey was heard screaming 'I didn't mean to kill Mr Jingles, I just wanted to stroke him' as he was lead off towards the electric chair, I mean his changing room.

Jack Wilshere retained his 'Fag Team Title' by beating Ex Blackburn Snoutman and scary looking Turkish greaseball, Tugay. 

Wilshere's younger lungs obviously too much for Tugay to handle, as he went down by 36 Marlboro Reds to 12.  


In the main event, Michael Owen and Niall Quinn faced off in the 'Rhetorical Rumble'. 

The winner being the competitor that throws his opponent over the top rope, by answering as many of his own questions as he can, whilst being neutral, boring and basically confusing.

Quinn opened on the attack with 'I think, possibly, Drogba may have to be brought on because he is reasonably good in the air is he not?'

Owen responded with 'I think he may have gone down too easily there don't you? Because I think he has possibly hardly been touched'

Again the match went on, blow for blow, until Owen unleashed a finisher that was so devastating, it sent Quinn hurtling over the top rope like a strange gangly unintelligent Irish man who knows nothing about football even though he was a professional player and club owner for a career spanning over 20 years.

'I think the possibility of that being a penalty is different for the striker when the defender acts like he does don't you think? I think if he thinks he is going down then he should really make more of it because he doesn't do the foul any justice really does he? I think that's what I think, maybe?'

Quinn exploded over the top rope leaving Owen to bask in the adulation of the crowd. But what's this? Alan Shearer's entrance music is playing (Fog On The Tyne). Shearer is cashing in his 'Money In The Bank' title shot. He's challenging Owen to a 'fence sitting showdown' at CommentateMania in March, will Owen accept the challenge? We'll keep you up to date with all the developments, as and when they happen.

GITG

MIDWEEK ROUND UP

Ivanovic blapses McCarthy 

Willian’s late winner strengthens Chelsea’s chokehold on title aspirations.  

Despite Mourinho’s talk of a “beautiful” win, the real talking point of the game was far uglier.  No, not Diego ‘The Elephant Man’ Costa, this time Bransislav Ivanovic took to the fore as Chelsea’s biggest butthead.  

Ivanovic came to blows with Everton’s James McCarthy after the pair argued over a challenge from Gareth Barry like a pair of nans.  Ivanovic appeared to hug McCarthy from behind with his strong rugged arms and lunged with his head in a scene of 50 Shades Of Grey meets Serbian prison.      

Ivanovic got away with the rut without so much as a slap on his hunky wrist.  Roberto Martinez was understandably disappointed and misunderstandably Spanish in his post match interview, claiming Ivanovic should have been sent off.  Whereas, Mourinho declined to comment on the incident preferring instead to commend Chelsea’s “amazing spirit.”  In a strikingly un-Mou-like move, the Chelsea manager also failed to mention Chelsea’s penalty claim in the lively opening period of the game in which Naismith parried the ball with his arm.

It was an unconvincing 1-0 win for Chelsea, and they remain 7 points clear of reigning champions Manchester City, who were 4-1 winners at Stoke City.  But as Mourinho pointed out after the game:

I don’t remember a team to be champions without a couple of victories in the last minute...In my case every time I won the league title I had a couple of matches where we won in the last minute. This was the first time this season.

While winning by any means is certainly the hallmark of champions, it's clear that Chelsea's attack is left wanting without the lethal Costa-Fabregas connection. 

Balotelli blapses Tottenham

      

All the energy and bluff exalted on the weekend couldn’t protect Spurs from the unexpected on Tuesday - a Mario Balotelli goal..

Balotelli came on to score the 83rd minute winner, his first goal in 13 appearances for the Reds.  Like what is so often the case with the Italian brat, most of the talk was for his off-field antics.  At the final whistle Balotelli threw down his gloves like a belligerent veterinary nurse and headed straight down the tunnel, ignoring the jubilant celebrations of his teammates. 

     

Both sides struggled for supremacy during the 90 minutes, in what was a very tit-for-tat affair.  Spurs started obnoxiously, and it was their carelessness in midfield that offered the home side myriad means of attack.  Despite going behind to a scuffed shot from Lazar Markovic, Spurs responded positively and who else but Hawwy Kyane would finish off a lovely Dane-Argintine combination by nutsing Lloris to score his 23rd goal of the campaign.  

Danny Rose delicately floored Daniel Sturridge who was absolutely boying Spurs off to give Liverpool a penalty, which was put away in tedious fashion by the tedious Steven can’tevenGerrbefuckingbothered.  Spurs then equalised to make it 2-2 following an Eriksen freekick that was stopped only as far as Hawwy Kyaane, the clinical forward squared it to Mousa Dembele who knocked it in with his teet.  It was the home side who would have the last laugh as, with 7 minutes to go, Balotelli combined with fellow substitute, Adam Lallana, to grab Liverpool a last-gasp win.

While Pochettino was busy concluding post match that it was “a great game,” Balotelli appeared far from amused.  But that’s sociopaths for you.  However, Mario did make this retrospective gesture on Instagram [ed: what is an instagram?]:      

Christ..

Lerner blapses Lambert

Aston Villa’s 2-0 loss to fellow dead weight Hull City saw Paul Lambert’s men plummet into the relegation zone.  

The result, Villa’s 10th match without a win, prompted the thus far detached owner, Randy Lerner, to shaft his man at the helm who was breaking records for all the wrong reasons.

A friend once told me Villa were a "sleeping giant.”  Well, if they were asleep they must be in a coma now.  Guardian football writer, Stuart James, fittingly describes Villa as ‘sleep walking to the Championship.’  Both analogies, though ultimately damning, touch on the great unrealised potential of Aston Villa.  The club has a huge catchment area, a big stadium and an experienced manager- oh, ouch sorry Paul, sorry mate.. - and yet despite Lerner injecting around £250M into the club since buying it for £62.7M eight years ago, Villa have failed to mount any meaningful charge at the top four.

Martin O’Neill came close, finishing 6th with Villa in 07/08, 08/09 and 09/10.  However, despite notable growth under O’Neill, it was apparent that Villa were stagnating, a bit like O’Neill’s accent.  Lerner arguably saw the answer in Lambert following Villa's electrifying start to their 14/15 campaign, Villa were sat 2nd in the league when he offered Lambert a new 4 year contract.  However, shortly after signing, Lambert's men managed just 12 league goals in 25 games.  Given the huge windfall for Premier League sides following Sky and BTSport's recent £5 billion TV rights deal, relegation was simply unthinkable for the club's thoughtful American owner.     

There is talk of Lerner selling up for as little as £100M, which would mark a significant loss.  However, this appears a case of shitty rags being washed together (irrelevant journalists copying each other).  

Now, because we're desperate for hits, here's a video of two girls kissing:

GITG

CUNT SACKED

ITV announced today that it would be releasing its doughy frontman Adrian Chiles on a free.  The tedious Birmingham born tosspot was half way through a £1M contract when the powers that be decided to lead Chiles into a car park and shoot him in the back of the head (not literally.)

Chiles stumbled into football punditry last summer when he agreed a £500,000 a year deal with the broadcaster to be their main football anchor after he told someone he supported West Brom.  His football credentials include supporting West Brom.  But despite his unobservable wit and mislaid talent, Chiles’ career was stopped in its tracks like a racehorse hitting a brick wall.   

ITV executive, Andy Phelan, said: ‘Y u gettin gassed?  Gilles woz deeeeeead.’

Despite the sudden termination of his contract that was set to run into 2016, the biased talentless arsehole appeared in jovial spirits, snapped here [right] with the same smug I’ve-blagged-my-life expression plastered on his shapeless boat.

Chiles, a man who looks like he has been breast fed his entire life, isn’t expected to work again, unless you count Celebrity Big Brother, Christmas lights [turning on of], or public mastibation as work.  As, let’s face it, after ITV it doesn’t get much lower, except possibly beastiality or BT Sport.

When asked by a GITG reporter with a strong stomach what was next for Chiles, the baby headed pillock replied:  ‘I’m just looking forward to voting UKIP and watching Arsenal play just incase they lose and spending time with my family [pictured left].’

BBC Five Live presenter, Mark Pougatch, will replace Adrian Chiles as ITV’s football frontman.  

From everyone here at GITG we wish Chiles, a man who had originally taken £1M pay-cut to end up being sacked anyway on a channel that he’d already had two of his shows cancelled because no one wanted to watch them, all the best for the future and hahahahahahahahahahahahaaha.

GITG

INJURY SETBACK FOR ARSENAL SUPERSTAR

Arsenal fans prepare for worst as Alexis Sanchez's injury takes a turn for the.. better?!

If you stop any Arsenal fan in their car, on the street, or at home and mention Alexis Sanchez, you are invariably met with the same reaction: a wry smile or a shake of the head that simply says, “he’s too good for us/get out of the road you mad c*nt.”  

Alexis' electrifying start to Premiership life has left the footballing community purring with excitement.  Alexis Sanchez has scored an impressive 12 times in 21 appearances for the Gunners following his move from FC Barcelona in 2014.  Arsene Wenger's capture of the world class forward was regarded very much as a coup for the Frenchman, and too good to be true for Arsenal fans.  It's hardly surprising that every time he takes to the pitch each kick is met with a hushed embarrassment from the Emirates faithful.  

Why, then, would a player so out of Arsenal's league make a shock move to the tedious North London club?  

It would appear Arsene Wenger, the only manager to sign a player with a broken back, has done it again..

In a post match interview with Chilean sports channel, TV Chile Sport, Alexis Sanchez revealed:  

'I was iceskating with my kids, all I remember was losing my balance and when I woke up I was scoring against Sunderland.'

Alexis' revelation goes some way to explain how he added his name to a long list of players too good to be in the BPL (Fabregas, Di Maria, Ozil, Song.)  

In an interview with GITG, Teammate Kerion Gibbs added credence to the rumours:  'Everyone whispers around him at training.  The mentality is very much "don't speak too loud or he'll realise he's at Arsenal."  

'In fact, the only person who speaks is Alexis.  When he asks us a question we stay silent until he loses interest and gets on with it.  Like a cat.’    

Wilshere described the atmosphere in training as 'chilling.'    

Arsene's number two Steve Bould spoke of the first weeks following Alexis’ arrival: ‘He started to make the odd remark like: "Haven't seen Lionel for a while, is he injured?", and, "What's the temperature going to be in Barcelona this evening?"  At first these sort of things were easy to brush aside, but now they're becoming more and more frequent.  I think it's only a matter of time before he realises.'

Bould added: ‘It's one thing to convince a man with severe brain trauma that his team have changed kit, it's another to say they've changed country.'  

When asked if such an injury could go some way in explaining why Mesut Ozil signed for the Gunners, Bould responded: ‘Nah, he's just deeply depressed.’

After the weirdest North London derby to date, it’s safe to say everyone connected with Arsenal Football Club will be praying their South American superstar remains in a critical and potentially life threatening condition.  It’s safe to say.

GITG

TOP 5 PLAYERS INJURED WHEN SIGNED

                Arjen Robben                  

              Real Madrid -> Bayern Munich, 08/09           

Knee Ligament

                     Harry Kewell                     

                       Leeds United -> Liverpool, 02/03                   

  Torn Groin Muscle

     Jonathan Woodgate        

            Tottenham Hotspur -> Stoke City, 10/11           

Groin Strain

                Kim Källström                  

             Spartak Moscow -> Arsenal, 13/14                

Damaged Vertebrae

               Emile Heskey                 

                 Wigan Athletic -> Aston Villa, 08/09                  

Brain AIDS*

* (ed) GITG would like to apologise and wish Emile a speedy recovery.