Match Report: Margate vs Welling United

Christmas is a time for sharing and with that in mind I decided to share my Boxing Day with a few hundred other demented souls at this glamorous Kent Derby. We also all shared a desire to escape our families.

I have been to many fine stadia to watch Welling United over the years but Hartsdown Park, home of the skint Margate FC is surely the grandest I have ever had the privilege to visit. Indeed the portakabin changing rooms reminded me of those that once graced the Valley but in this case more closely resembled the scene for some kind of upsetting porn shoot.

Feeling famished I immediately headed for the gourmet burger stand whereupon a toothless local creature greeted me with a troubling smile. Nothing could have prepared me for the gourmet delight that I was to be served in a burger that had evidently been seasoned with tears and which had been cooked to blackened cinders. 

Having taken my seat in the front row of the main stand I strained my neck to inspect its vastness and counted four rows behind me. Nobody was smiling when the teams appeared from their portakabin induced misery looking in no way inspired by their surroundings despite the music pumping over the crackling tannoy.

Surprisingly in the first half hour literally no football whatsoever was attempted with the game resembling a game of British Bulldog being played in the playground of a school for orphaned children. The game lit up with some wing wizardry from Welling winger Christian Nannetti who cut in the Margate box before being chopped to the ground. The referee pointed to the spot and in form striker Adam Coombes dispatched with aplomb. Margate heads subsequently dropped and their football fell to crushing depths allowing Welling to dominate. 

The inevitable second goal came from the impressive Nannetti who once again cut in from the right and unleashed a dizzying scuff which tore into the back of the net after a sizeable deflection off of the centre half's protruding toenail. The final nail in the coffin came from Coombes who coolly finished after some geriatric Margate defending straight out of Titus Bramble's textbook. Welling actually finished the game with ten men after goalkeeper Chris Lewington collided with the post and with all substitutes having been used, midfielder Danny Waldren took the gloves for the final few minutes. With a terrified grimace throughout he was to keep the scoreline intact.

The final whistle blew and I headed for the exit satisfied. Yes I had eaten the worst food ever served anywhere. Yes I was frozen to the core. Yes Margate played some of the worst football I had seen at this level but if you don't enjoy days like this then you should be ashamed to call yourself a football fan.

GITG's non-league correspondent.

(ed: you didn't actually tell us the score?)

#FESTIVE FOOTBALLERS: 100 FOOTBALLERS WITH CHRISTMAS NAMES

It's Boxing Day, a day traditionally reserved for hangovers, the last racist utterances of grandparents before they slip into eternal oblivion, and the giving of gifts.  So, as a special festive treat for our loyal readers (singular), here are a hundred footballers with Christmas names:

Jason Yule

Thomas Myrrh

Per Myrrhtesacker

Harry (candy) Cane 

Snow Cole

Martin Jingle

Saint Nicholas Anelka

Dean Aust-tin of Quality Street

Paul Ince pie

Ryan Grinch

Mousa Demjinglebelle

Sledley King

Ruel Fox the black-nosed reindeer

Roque Santa Clause

Jermain D'elfoe

Elf Ramsey

Andy Carol

Jesus Christ Navas

Zlatan Istheturkeyinyoubitch?

Fabian D'elf

Ronald Snowman

Noel Hunt

Christmassimo Taibi

Snowy Barton

A Christmas Roy Caroll

Mistletony Cottee

Chimney Floyd Hasslebaink 

Trees Oxford

Bradvent Friedel 

Dennis Wisemen

Angel Gabriel Batistuta

Panton Ferdinand 

Pepe Reindeer

Jose Myrrhinho 

Bethleehendrie

Mark Paperhattenburg

Danny Froze

Dimitar Baubletov

Alex Oxsleigh Chamberlain

Ave Di Maria

Emile Blesskey

Yan Song Merrily On High

Marco van Baste

No room at the Iniesta

All I want for Christmas is Kewell

Ryan Bauble

Ruud van Mistlerooy

I saw mummy kissing Santa Cruz

Roque around the Christmas tree

Frankincense Lampard

Paul Myrrhson

Deck Fitz Hall with Ba and Solly

Twas Christmas eve and all through the house, not a creature was Sterling not even Ward-Prowse

Ju Sung Park the Herald Angel sings

All is Kahn, all is Mark Bright

Christmas eve Bruce

Ruel Foxing day

Andy Coal

Bruce Grobbelaast Christmas you gave me Joe Hart

Matt le Tinseler

Happy Xmas (war is Overmars)

Dave Present

David Beckroastham

Lapland Donovan

Cheddar Vans

Diego Froster

John Terry's chocolate orange 

Gennaro Grottoso

Kingsley Snowman

Arjen Robin

Antoine Sneezeman

Robinho ho ho

Christmas number Juan Mata

Aaron Hamsey

Roy Turkeane

Scrooge van Tinselrooy

Dreaming of a Dwight Christmas

Holly Gunnar Snowskjaer

Frank Ribbonry

Two Skrtl doves and a Demba Batridge in a pear tree 

Ryan Giggs in blankets

Lee Crackermole 

A Schluppett Christmas Carol

Paolo Mulled-wine-i [and we've lost it.]

From everyone here at GITG, we wish you all a Merry Christmas and a Xavi New Year.

*Credit and hate mail to Downs FC.

GITG | DING DONG THE GIT IS GONE!

Yes, grade A super c***, Alan Pardew, has danced his last dance in Palace colours as he was today sacked having won just 1 of his last 11 games.

The 1-0 home defeat to Chelsea last Saturday left the Eagles grounded just one point above the relegation zone in 17th place.  The loss was Pardew’s 8th in 10, and just as Barbra Streisand and Donna Summer sang in their 1979 hit single No More Tears, Steve Parrish decided enough was enough.

Everyone’s favourite van ornament The Sun reported: ‘THE CURSE OF BIG BEN: Christian Benteke strikes again, as every Premier League manager to sign him has been axed.’  Surely it was the lack of striking on the £35.5M forward’s part that left Palace in this mess.  Surely mummy?

Not everybody was happy to see the loathsome Lothario go.  Wilfried Zaha was prang and paid moving tribute to his late manager spitting the following sombre fire: ‘He believed in me when many didn’t.’  Amen, Wilfrieds.  Amen.  And now for hymn 156, Sing We Now At Parting. 

In either case, Palace have managed a pathetic 6 wins out of 36 and in any manager’s money that simply isn’t good enough.  Pardew had to pay the ultimate price.  Just two days before Christmas, Pardew released a statement on the club’s website thanking the club, the players and the board, before being led out into the carpark and shot in the back of the head like a mob snitch or retiring race horse.

Reports indicate that walrus Sam Alladyce is next in line for the Palace hot seat.  If these claims are substantiated it would suggest that the FA have the memory and moral compass of a narcissistic goldfish.

From everybody here at GITG we would like to wish Alan Pardew had left sooner.

GITG

GIT OF THE WEEK #7

Demonstration during Arsenal's shrug of a 1-0 win was dismissed as little more than “irritating” by post-match interviewer, in doing so he opened the flood gates for our Git Of The Week..

This week the award goes to perpetual git, Mark Lawrenson, who today on MOTD Extra called the Emirates demonstration ‘a pretty pathetic protest’.  

Lawro’s alliterative bile is not only a desperate attempt to be funny, it's symptomatic of the ugly media disdain for non-linear narratives.  

“Who won the protest?”  The presenter asks.  “The fors, the againsts?”  With all the subtly and critical dexterity of a gorilla punching a typewriter.  In creating this false dichotomy pundits willingly sidestep meaningful discussion; by belittling fan sentiment they contribute to their disenfranchisement.

Lawro’s poisonous outburst resembles more Jeremy Cunt on junior doctors, Nicky Moron on teachers, or Michael Gove on anybody who isn’t Michael Gove.  Arsenal fans are to be laughed at.  

In truth, they can do no right: “silent” one moment, silenced the next.  

In a time when clubs spin more red tape than a menstruating garden spider, fan disconnection has never been greater.  Beachballs at The Valley, fly-bys at Goodison Park, and now in-fighting at The Emirates.  

These crude attempts to be heard is the discussion: a symptom of a modern game when scantily clad dressing room selfies counts as dialogue.  For journalists to laugh this particular demonstration off from such a privileged position is shameful.  But then Lawro is clearly used to ignoring symptoms seeing as his body is now 80% plasticine. 

Anyway, I’m sure if Leicester cheat their way to being champions today we can expect a nice and cosy article with an easily digestible narrative: ‘Pensioner Wins Lottery.’  

GITG | REDKNAPP'S RUN-IN RAMBLINGS

Jamie Redknapp doesn't believe in fairy tales.

The Sky Sports advert for the 'title run in' (which is a non entity) features Jamie Redknapp on "top top form" (using a jamieism against him there) as he blurts:

'I don't believe in fairytales, but Leicester is a fairytale'

Wow, just wow.

If you are going to spout clichés like some sort of cockney garden sprinkler, try not to contradict yourself WITHIN THE SAME SENTENCE.

'I don't believe in ghosts, but that's a ghost.'

'I don't believe in ghosts, but I'm a ghost.'

Other things Jamie doesn't believe in:

•  Elves

•  Harry Potter

•  Father Christmas

•  Buying suits that fit him

•  Braincells

•  Having a dad that people respect

GITG

GITG | EARED STRIKER DEFENDS CHINNED STRIKER IN PENALTY ROW

Leicester 2-2 West Ham: Vardy calls Jon Moss "fucking cunt" after receiving second booking.
Look at him.

After 34 matches Premier League officials finally crack down on toe punting divers Leicester City as Vardy receives second yellow for simulation in yet another drab Foxes performance.  

Jamie Vardy received his second yellow in his club’s 2-2 tie with West Ham United after he was adjudged to have dived following an Angelo Ogbonna non-challenge. Vardy did what he does so well, throwing his body between defender and ball in an attempt to fool the referee; thankfully, Jonathan Moss was not for turning.  A nailed-on stonewall dive.  

But not according to this berk: 

   

Following FA ruling that Jamie "the sweetheart" Vardy was to see his one match ban doubled for verbally abusing Moss after his sending off, Lineker petulantly went on to add:

 

"I never condone dissent, but..."

And just incase you thought Gary was joking, his blinkered outbursts didn’t end there.

Earlier this year Lineker was criticised for saying ‘people make mistakes’ regarding Jamie Vardy’s racist comments after he called an Asian man ‘Jap’ in a casino.

Vardy reportedly said, "Yo Jap, walk on" in late night casino bust up. 

Everything about this story is depressing. 

In an interview with the Guardian Lineker tried to further excuse the daft racist, saying: ‘I think it depends on how you say it, and where you say it.  But I know footballers, and they are generally really not racist at all.’

“How you say it, and where you say it”?  So if you’re racist in a South Yorkshire accent at a poker table it’s acceptable according to Lineker.  

Furthermore, “footballers are generally not racist”?  He’s actually lost it.

We didn’t see Lineker rushing to John Terry’s defence in 2012 when he racially abused Anton Ferdinand. 

He then went on to say: ‘I’m not trying to defend anyone’s actions but there are going to be isolated incidents because it’s an emotive, passionate sport.’  

What, poker?

Perhaps realising the possible downside to scrambling around on Twitter like a juiced-up mother hen every time Vardy breathes, Lineker tried to distance himself from his own comments, dismissing the interview as "random" and "bizarre":  

The common factor in both of these stories, of course, is just how deeply unpleasant Jamie Vardy is.       

BUT OH NO Lineker isn’t finished there:

Commenting on a Sunday Times report in which private doctor Mark Bonar claims to have prescribed banned performance-enhancing drugs to (among others) Leicester City players, Lineker said:

‘You can either play football or you can’t.  It might improve your stamina a little bit, I’m not an expert, but it ain’t gonna help you pass…it won’t make you a better player – it’s not cycling or athletics.’ 

Because fitness has absolutely nothing to do with playing ability?  

Lineker’s persistent disingenuous wide-eyed cascade of bullshit is systemic of the hysterical media led narrative surrounding Leicester City.  No amount of diving, time wasting, toe punting, racism, abuse and throwing of projectiles by fans at match officials, or tens of millions of pounds spent on players is going to get in the way of this “rags-to-riches” story.      

No sir.  Never let the truth get in the way of a good story.  

As for Lineker (and we love him really) his genuine unashamed bias would be forgivable if he wasn’t defending a cheating diving racist. 

IT’S A FAIRYTALE MUMMY!

GITG

GITG | TURKEY WATCH!

If you didn’t already think Turkish football was hilarious and mental and terrifying enough: 

Galatasary 2-1 Trabzonspor: Dursun sees red both metaphorically and literally as his side dwindles to 7 men 

Everyone’s favourite collection of consonants Trabzonspor made the headlines again as they went down to 7 men after player who showed red card to referee was himself sent off.  

Trabzonspor player Salih Dursun was sent off after taking the red card from referee Deniz Bitnel’s hand and brandishing it at him moments after his team mate had been sent off.

The referee made his way to an early bath, stripping off and cursing his performance before saying, “WAAAAIIITT A MINUITE!!!” and ran back on to the pitch to send Dursun off for being a cheeky cunt. 

Trabzonspor were left with just seven players, yet it wasn’t until a last minute Selcuk Inan penalty that Galatasaray were able to clinch a bizarre 2-1 victory.

This isn’t the first time this silly bugger of a club has been involved in such farcical antics.  

In October 2015 Trabzonspor president was banned for 280 days and fined 150,000 Turkish Lira after trying to keep referees locked in stadium overnight.   

Mentally ill: Ibrahim Hacıosmanoğlu

Trabzonspor club president demanded all four match officials were detained in the dressing room after they failed to award his team a penalty.

The actual president of Turkey had to personally intervene to ensure the release of the football referee who had been taken hostage by the Turkish club.

The club's president, Ibrahim Hacıosmanoğlu, ordered his team to lock the referee and his fellow match officials in the team's dressing room after the team were denied a penalty in their 2-2 draw with Gaziantepspor.

The mad bastard explained: “I told stadium security not to let the referees leave until the morning, until I arrived, but a very important person called me and asked me not to cause embarrassment in Turkey and around the world.”

Bit late for that mate.  

GITG 

GITG | SUNDERLAND LAY DOWN RED AND WHITE CARPET AS PLUCKY PUB TEAM HOOFS ONE STEP CLOSER TO PREMIER LEAGUE GLORY

Sunderland 0 - 2 Leicester City: Vardy puts his first of two past Lurch 

Today was a tricky one - here at GITG we want Sunderland to finally be relegated as much as we want Leicester to fuck this up.  

It doesn’t help that the Guardian now publishes 70 articles a minute predicting Leicester will win the league.  You’re hard.  No, Leicester aren’t “my new second team,” Guardian.  Far from it.  Because if you actually watch them play you’ll realise they play like a Sunday league team (who’ve spent £55m on players since joining the Premier League in 2014.)  

And yet every time Danny Drinkwater closes his eyes and hits the ball as hard as he can, teams - even after 33 three games played - appear powerless to stop Leicester’s two only good players from putting it in the net.  As Sunderland duly demonstrated this afternoon when Younes Kaboul, while doing his best impression of Lawrence Fishburne trying to play football, forgot to move and Vardy ruthlessly slotted a Drinkwater signature Hail Mary past Vito “please, God, not another 2nd rate ex-Arsenal goalkeeper” Mannone.

Sunderland, arguably the most pointless team in the world, let their pointless heads drop after that.  Two notable examples of this being when right back Van Aanholt pretty much just stopped playing, and when Fabio Borini decided to end it all by smashing one of Sunderland’s best chances into his own face.

The other fell to Jack Rodwell late on who instead of scoring an underserved but pleasing equaliser did what any self respecting 25 year old footballer-in-decline would do and that’s miss an open goal to the disappointment of everyone dear to him.

Almost inevitably Leicester went on to extend their lead shortly after.  Vardy sped past Van Aanholt who was now standing on the halfway line staring at a dandelion, and rounded the on rushing Mannone before tapping the ball into an empty net.    

Vardy celebrated his second goal by shh’ing the Sunderland fans ..why?  They’ve suffered enough. What’s more the stand was practically empty, so Vardy was shh’ing an empty stand - empty stands by their very nature are silent.  So he was telling the absence of sound to be quiet.  Good one mate.

This sore winner attitude isn’t exclusive to Leicester’s rat faced assassin.  As my Tottenham supporting GITG co-writer pointed out: 

Well, he’d know.  

So where does this leave our teams?  Sunderland should have been automatically relegated after today’s performance, but until this becomes an option we’re just going to have to endure their annual last hurrah for safety just so they can repeat the whole pathetic charade next season and the season after that.  

An internet Sunderland fan once angrily tried to justify their Premier League status to me by saying that 50,000 people turn up to watch them every week.  I must remember to use that argument next time I’m defending public lapidation.  

As for media darlings Leicester their routine win today puts them 10 points ahead in the title race, which is slightly disappointing as it renders Tottenham’s subsequent mouthwatering tie with Manchester United all but redundant.  Tottenham should steamroll this one, but their visitors are wankers and have a history of “winning in the manner of champions” (which is media bias for “deserved to lose but somehow nicked it.”)   

Anyway, this victory for Ranieri’s men comes on the back of four one-nil wins, a run reminiscent of Mourinho’s title winning Chelsea, relentlessly grinding out results like a mechanical East German lap dancer.   

Before the Guardian publish any more gushing articles about how they discovered Leicester City - too late - anyway, before they post another - oh, too late - anyway before Leicester actually win the league, let’s remember, out of the title challengers, these route one playing time wasting cunts have one of the toughest home straights: West Ham (H), Swansea (H), Manchester United (A), Everton (H), Chelsea (A).  Grabbing those three wins to clinch the title might not be as guaranteed as it so blatantly is.  Anyway, if they fuck this up it will be the funniest thing ever to happen in football ever.   And if it does all go tits up instead of pizza, maybe Ranieri should serve them all slice of humble pie.  

Now fuck off.

GITG

GITG | GIT OF THE WEEK #6

Each week GITG acknowledges persons in and around football for their services to being a git.

This week the award goes to FC Midtjylland director, Cliff Crown!

Cliff Crown defended his decision today to charge Manchester United fans £71-a-ticket to watch tomorrow’s Europa League last-32 first leg.

Crown blubbed: “We’re a small club…we have to make the most of our opportunity.”  Yeah fuck it charge £200, make the most of it you cunt.  This selfish move would almost be understandable if Crown was a simple Scandinavian longboat craftsman who didn’t know any better, but he isn’t.  Crown is also a director of Brentford FC, joining Midtjylland’s board only recently when Brentford owner Matthew Benham became majority shareholder of the Danish club in 2014.  

In other words, Crown, who looks like what you'd get if you mix Mr Potato Head with a Spanish politician, knows exactly the amount English fans are reluctantly willing to pay to watch their favourite clubs week-in-week-out and is fucking his own people like a mad king to make a quick buck.

This cynical and ill-timed move comes on the back of recent fan protests in England against rising match day ticket fees.  

United fans intend to hold a protest of their own against the £71 ticket price by buying all the tickets and then waving a few banners around.  Yeah that’ll do it. 

So congratulations Cliff Crown, not only do you sound like a mundane topographical occurrence, you are this week’s GOTW!  

GITG

GITG | THE STRIFE AND TIMES OF A. CUMULATOR #2

                     

In this new weekly feature our resident gambling addict keeps us up to date with his hilarious affliction.  

14/02/16

As Sky were building us up to a genuine ‘Super Sunday’ involving the top 4 teams in the league, gamblers (as well as normal people) were struggling to predict how it would all pan out. Would Leicester shit in everyone’s mouths and win again? Can Spurs turn up for the big games? Will Arsenal buck the trend and actually resemble a football team in February? And is Mr Nice Guy Pellegrini deliberately and hilariously going to stitch Guardiola up by dropping out the top 4? ‘Where’s your money?’ I kept being asked*

(*) Not a single soul asked me this question.

So where was my money? Keep reading and you will fucking well find out.

Match 1: Arsenal v Leicester – Arsenal to win or draw

So here we go. What is going to happen here? Lunatics across the country are saying Leicester are the title favourites after they turned up and turned over City last week. I am still not having that and pre game I convinced myself that Arsenal would win it, albeit narrowly. Since I am a coward, I went for Arsenal to win or draw. Wenger is a fascinating creature, giving off the scent of someone very intelligent but also ridiculously naive. I was backing him here to have watched the way that Leicester beat City last week and not make the same mistakes. Sure enough, he brought back Coquelin to presumably kick lumps out of Kante and Mahrez whilst Vardy would be marshalled by the excellent Koscielny. A slow start to the game with Arsenal dominating possession put me in a rather confident mood. They may have gone ahead had it not been for Huth and Morgan being shits and blocking a few decent efforts at goal. All was looking well until, right on half time, geeky full back Nacho Monreal brought down Vardy and the referee excitedly pointed to the spot. No doubt that Vardy bought it, but here at GITG we applaud anybody who is willing to cheat for the sake of winning. Anyway, it was old Vardy himself, probably smelling like piss, to take the penalty against Cech. 1-0 Leicester and here we go again.

At half time I was feeling down I must say. Finding out that Koscielny had been replaced by Hollyoaks character and part time calamity defender Chambers did nothing to change that. However, my thanks now go out to one Danny Simpson. Even in a side that is playing well, he hasn’t been able to trick people he is a good footballer and he picked up two yellows in quick succession to be sent to have an early bath. I often wonder if players who are sent off sit in the massive bath tub in the changing rooms and slowly drift under the water only to be rescued by the kit man. I would have forgiven the Leicester kit man in this case to have turned a blind eye. Back out on the pitch the Arsenal team, unaware that Simpson was topping himself, were applying the pressure and with 20 minutes remaining, Walcott profited from a Giroud knockdown to finish nicely. The poor lad was pushed over by Giroud whilst trying to celebrate but he bounced back up like a little deer and Arsenal had the scent of Leicester City blood in their nostrils. My bet was all but won and Danny Welbeck’s goalscoring return to win it was a nice moment for all to savour, but inconsequential to my bet.

Match 2: Villa v Liverpool – Liverpool to win

Hahahahaha

Matches 3 & 4: City v Spurs – Spurs to win or draw, Augsburg v Bayern – Bayern to win

I was right where I wanted to be. A change of venue whilst Kolo Toure was scoring versus Villa meant I was now in a pub with other desperate men. The game was a rather dull affair as Spurs dominated possession but couldn’t work any decent chances. The Bayern game against an inadequate outfit called Augsburg kicked off 15 minutes into the first half and Bayern went 1-0 within the first 20 minutes which settled me down a bit. As the players came out for the second half at the Etihad, I just imagined how much a Spurs goal would help me relax. When Sterling was adjudged to have handballed in the area by the inept Mark Clattenberg, I could barely believe it. As Kane slotted the penalty in, a man who was sitting near me groaned and said that he had bet on it being 3-0 to City. I was simply disgusted that anyone thought that was going to be the score, but I spared him as I was quite literally the happiest man in the world at this point. I pondered a cash out after City equalized but I stood firm and was left celebrating a memorable win. I staggered back home after a curry (that later sent my guts into disarray) but it felt as if I was gliding. Gliding like a massive gambling duck in a pond of happiness. Upon arrival, I went straight to bed and definitely didn’t bet a small but significant portion of my winnings on Inter Milan to beat Fiorentina. No sir, I went straight to bed.

As a totally unrelated comment, Inter Milan are a pitiful club who I hope disappear without a fucking trace.

GITG | PEP'S-A-COMIN'

Saturday 6th February saw Pep’s four-game win streak grind to a 0-0 halt thanks to a tactically astute Bayer Leverkusen.  This was just the third time Guardiola’s Munich dropped points this season, sitting as they do 8 points clear of rowdy Rurh dwellers Borussia Dortmund.

The future Manchester City manager had his priorities put in to question by journalists in the pre-match conference, an accusation Pep angrily rebutted by announcing: “I am like a woman, I can do two things at once,” before drawing in toothless fashion with their 6th placed hosts.  Like a bitch.

Guardiola’s exasperation isn’t reserved solely for the German press: pitch side he often looks unstimulated, unfulfilled.  So his announcement that he had entered into an open relationship by virtue of his newly attained Mancunian sidechick should hardly come as a surprise to anyone.  Bayern are arguably so well adapted under Pep’s scientific method that they negate the very thing that drives evolution: competition.   

Bayer Leverkusen’s hard won nil-nil with Bayern is significant in that it presents “another way” for those clubs who’ve been thus far obligingly flattened by the Bavarian bully boys.  Roger Schmidt’s high pressing, highly physical tactics were so perfectly disruptive that Guardiola had to admit: “We’ve had a few problems passing the ball three, four, five times in a single move.”  In the end Bayern could muster only a meagre one shot on target.

Schmidt’s gauntlet, though admirable, will inevitably prove little more than a brain-teaser for Guardiola; light tactical titillation while he sees out the rest of the season in the manner of a bedroom FM16 manager - endlessly pressing spacebar in a semi-comatosed and trouserless state.

Premier League teams would be forgiven for thinking the only true way to defeat Pep is the 'just keep your head down for three years, play dead and he’ll go away' approach.   But that isn’t the English way.  As Leicester City have shown us, Premiership sides would rather have a go "for the bants" than lie down: here the bottom can beat the top; the bottom can win the league.  

Furthermore Guardiola will need to come to terms with the sheer volume of games.  In an interview Pep's former adversary Jugern Klopp warned Guardiola would need 35 players to cope with the trials of Premiership life: “That’s the thing, it’s the number of games, football, football, football.  With a perfect pre-season you are prepared for a long, long journey.”  Said the mad bastard.

Premier League glory is by no means assured for the Spaniard.  Guardiola's arrival adds to the long list of world class managerial minds currently plying their trade in English football: Wenger, Hiddink, Klopp, Ranieri, and potentially even that Portuguese git, each of whom will no doubt have a say.

If there's anything that Roger Schmidt can teach them it's that with a little tactical consideration even the most accomplished of Guardiola sides can be neutralised, albeit with a little bit, with a little bit, with a little bit of bloomin' luck.  

In either case Manchester City presents the perfect challenge for Pep: under performing and rich with a defence as questionable as Johnson’s, Guardiola will no doubt spend many enjoyable hours and every bit of the promised £150M masterminding Europe's next big thing.  

GITG